Fun in the fountain

My husband the mormon missionary

What next?

We started the week off with a nice case of Pink Eye for Odessa and I. Then I had an allergic reaction to the eye drops that I was prescribed. I looked like I had been stung in the eyes by a swarm of angry bees. And then yesterday, my virus developed into the worst sore throat that I have ever had (can't swallow, can't move neck, can't open mouth). Today I am on Vicodin for the pain so that I can at least drink my meals with a straw.

Snuggly After Bath

Why husband shouldn't read blog

You receive mean comment from "Anonymous" that has to be deleted. Husband looks around shiftily, hoping that you can't figure out who Anonymous is. Then leaves for work abruptly.

Physical Manifestations of Too Much Stress

It is funny that my tag line is "It's a nice place to visit!" and then the most recent blog is titled "darkness". That is exactly the place that I always wanted to go!


My allergies are acting up. My skin is breaking out. My stomach doesn't feel right. I slept like crap last night.

Darkness

I am in a dark place. I don't want to write the specifics on a public forum but just saying that gives me some relief. I am having to make decisions that I only prayed that I would never be faced with.

Today's Gain From Meditation: "You are exactly the person that you are supposed to be"

Inner Peace in Two Hours

I believe that for most of my life I have been experiencing an existential crisis. I do have blips of contentment and trust in the world, but for the most part, by brain is a spinning top of never-ending worries and thoughts. I know a lot of people who feel this way and some deal with it better than I. I know others who don't seem to feel this way at all. Recently speaking with a friend I said "I need to come up with a way to quiet my mind" and he responded, "If my mind were any MORE quiet, I would be asleep."

This is becoming more and more of a problem in recent years: as a younger person, I was always able to run away from my demons, if only partially successfully, by staying busy and never allowing myself be in the presence. I could also trick myself that all this would resolve itself if and when: "when I graduate", "when I get a real job", "when we have more money", "when I have more time.

Now I feel more THIS IS IT and less on a path to something more. I have a career (although debatable), I have a family, we make more money now than we have ever in the past...AND STILL...all the same feelings and worries and thoughts swirl around me. I can temporally alieve these feelings with a beer or a xanax but I need to come up with a more inner-directed method. I am masking the issues, and not dealing with them. Which tends to be my specialty.

Lately, I feel like I am being pointed in a direction where I need to take charge of this destiny. That it isn't going to happen on its own. I must come up with a way. I have been struggling and running for all these years and nothing has changed. I want to be more present and mindful and relaxed -- with myself, my husband, my daughter, and with life.

In the past, I have found meditation and yoga helpful. The problem is that I feel I need more direction and more motivation to not let the practice lapse.

So today Larry and I went to a workshop at a Buddhist Temple about an introdution to their teaching and to meditation. I am really glad that we went. We learned about posture and what to do (or not to do) with our minds during meditation. We then practiced meditation for twenty minutes. I think that I was probably able to stop thinking for, maybe, two seconds at a time. But I recently have been asking/begging to the higher power, whomever that may be, "please help. I am yours, just show me the way". The first response I received was "Stop trying to control everything over which you need to learn that you have no control". Today's response was more profound (for me): "You don't trust this world". If I were one to cry, tears would have been brought to my eyes. I then asked, "But how do I learn to trust the world?". No response. Maybe next time. Or maybe I need to trust a little so that I can learn to trust a lot.

I have read about various types of meditation and what I especially liked about this teaching, is that you can't do it wrong. Sure, there are better ways but those come with practice. Just sitting silently is a start. 30 seconds if you can, 30 minutes if you can do that. I need a casual pace to start or I will just get overwhelmed.

So, no, I did not achieve inner peace in two hours. But maybe it is a start.

A few things to remember about me:

1) I so totally am not the new-agey type that really believes in this stuff. But, hey, that hasn't been working.
2) I am currently reading Eat, Love, Pray and this may be a big motivating factor for many things: my current craving for Italian food, my seeking spiritual enlightenment, and my craving for Thai food -- specifically sweet rice with coconut ice cream (Note -- the author actually is in India, but I don't like Indian food, so I imagine Thai food. Mmmm.)

Another Day in the Land of Odessa

Well, now I am worried that our never-ending cold has turned into something else. Odessa has been running a fever since yesterday at 4 p.m. ish. From when I have checked, it has gotten up to 101.6. Tylenol has been helping. I am going to call the pediatrician in the morning.

We have plans to fly out to California this weekend so I am hoping that it nothing serious and that she will be all better by then. I had thought that the never ending runny nose was to do with teething as she is getting some serious teeth in there but who knows.

In other news, I have spend most of my weekend going through a study protocol and reading all about "Transtheoretical Model of Change". I have a job interview tomorrow -- no today -- it is 530 am! It has been fun because I feel kind of like a student again and have been using my brain in another way.

And, yesterday morning I carelessly tinted my eyebrows and now they are too dark (think Groucho Marx) and I have a smear of brown dye on my forehead. Geez. Luckily I have been scrubbing with nail polish remover (which I am sure is GREAT for one's skin) and it has faded considerably.

We are on a budget. I am trying really hard but it is REALLY hard. I just need to start fresh tomorrow and re-evaluate my plan so that I can gain motivation and perspective.

Hey, sometimes this adult life just sucks, huh?

Found on Ebay: Very Sexy Shoes

ALDO Womens Black Fabric Wedges Shoes 38 EUR 7 US SEXY!

Really? They are? Well then, my orthopedic clogs must be on fire!

Currently Reading

The Female Brain by Louann Md Brizendine

Blogger.com Frustration II

Now all the lists and photos and things that use to be on the left hand side of my blog are at the bottom -- after all the posts! When I go into edit the layout, it doesn't appear as though anything has changed.

Happy 35th Anniversary to My Parents

35 years living with same person -- all the struggles, all the ups and downs. 33 years of raising children. No wonder they are nuts. Congrats to them for sticking it out and never letting go of either side of the rope.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I think we may have turned a corner with Odessa's sleep...



First of all, it just is getting better and better the closer that she gets to two. The first year was by far the most difficult.



A couple months ago, anyone putting Odessa down to sleep (other than me) would have to endure crying -- and a lot of it. I would have to be really over my limit before I could let that happen. And the majority of times, my maternal instinct got the better of me and I went in to snuggle her into sleep peacefully.



Up until two nights ago, here was the ritual: snack, diaper and pajamas, read stories and then nana-milk. After ten minutes or so of nursing, I detach myself and she will fuss a little, work on getting comfy and fall asleep. During that 30-60 minutes of waiting for her to fall asleep, I would lie there frustrated that this is my opportunity for me time and it won't happen.*



After an hour passes and she finally is asleep, I can sneak out but at that point it is getting late for me and I am frustrated that I could have been reading or writing an hour ago. Plus most nights I take benedryl to help me fall asleep and it takes at-least one hour to kick in. So if I took it before putting O to bed, then I would be too sleepy to get up and get any me time. And if I wait till she is asleep, I am likely not to fall asleep until really late at night.**



After that very long introduction, here is the point: Now after the bedtime routine which includes nana-milk for ten minutes or so, Odessa is able to snuggle up to Larry and fall fast asleep. A few whimpers but nothing more than I would get by being there too. We have done that the last two nights and it is a miracle for me!!! I can get up and do some of the things that I have been wanting to. Sigh of relief.

AND THEN, this afternoon Odessa was able to fall asleep with Larry for her afternoon nap. That has never happened before this easily. It would usually require tears and rocking. Now she just snuggles up and enters dream-land (and without mama-milk first). ***

I really think this is about her being developmentally ready for that stage. This would not have worked even a couple months ago.



*If you are wondering why can't I get out of bed while she is still awake. The answer is I don't know, I have tried, and it involved a lot of sobbing on her part and mine. She just doesn't want to be alone while falling asleep. We have had a family bed for her whole life, just lying in bed and going to sleep while others are not with her is just foreign. [It is possible at some point in the near future, this is something that I am going to work on. But for now I am going to trust my gut that she is just not ready for that leap yet. Who knows what the next few months will bring.]



**Which would mean that I would miss quite a few solid hours of sleep which is pretty necessary as O will wake me up between 1 and 5 times a night. Secondly, I am not a night-owl, even before baby I would in bed at 9 p.m.



***Now for my pessimism -- napping with baby in the afternoon is my favorite thing and today I am missing it. But on the bright side, it is good to know that I have the option.

Blogger.com Frustration

I am not all that super-savy when it comes to publishing a blog. I mean I have all the basics down, and when I want to try something 'fancy' (and actually have the energy to do so) I can usually figure it out.

But here is the problem, I write my posts and they look great. Then I publish them and the blank lines in between the paragraphs dissapear...but not all of them. I have even edited in html and sometimes that works but it is inconsistent. What am I doing wrong? Or is blogger playing Jedi mind tricks on me?

If anyone knows of what I am doing wrong, please let me know...

Oh man...this is so real "LIFE"

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/area_man_makes_it_through_day

Odessa, 21 Months

Oh baby. I love you so much. It isn't until you are a parent that you can understand the depths of love that one can have for their children.

Life with you is getting to be really fun! The newborn phase, with your endless crying, was tormenting. As an infant, I realized how my personality doesn't match well with the needs of a young baby. I need alone time. I write and read. This is how I maintain any semblance of a emotional equilibrium. But now you enjoy a little more independence, which gives me some of the time that I "need". You also love to be on the go! I can tell that you get bored at home by mid-morning. So every day that we are home we go out and play and have fun together. Sometimes we get out just to run errands -- grocery store, bank etc. Other days we enjoy peaceful time at the library and the park. And some days I have a lot of energy and we will go to the Children's Museum or the community center indoor gym -- Odessa-centric places like that.

You are VERY sociable. You love to go around restaurants and say "Hi" to everyone at their tables. Much to the chagrin of the staff. At school, they call you their "greeter" because you will stand at the gated doorway and greet everyone who goes by. When you see other kids playing, you don't hesitate to go right over and join in. I have to watch you carefully, because you will follow kids anywhere. At a Le Leche League meeting the other day, you went around to each of the moms to sit on their laps -- and they were complete strangers. I am so happy that you are so confident and comfortable around people. I hope that trait continues.

You have been teething for what seems like forever. But these past two months all that effort paid off and you have gotten approximately 6 molars. I say "approximately" because it is really hard to get a good look in your mouth without getting bitten. BUT, a couple of weeks ago we had a couple really rough nights where we only got a few hours of shut-eye. That was tough but it all seems to be going better now (knock on wood).

Schedule. Schmedule. It used to be so random and now your patterns are quite consistent. Which is good for me because I need routines. You are an early riser. I am really not sure how to change that. So we get up at 5:30 most mornings. Your nap time is around 12 p.m. depending on how busy we are. If I nap with you (and I usually do, one of my all-time favorite parts of the day) you will often sleep for 2-3 hours. It is such a nice reprieve in the middle of the day. You go to bed around 9:30 p.m. I am trying to make that earlier in the evening but I am not very good at it. 1) I wonder if you go to bed at 7:30 or 8:00 if you will still wake up at 5:30 a.m. Maybe you would and that would be good for you and you need more sleep. Or maybe not. 2) It is hard for me to want to stop all the evening activities to start our bedtime routine. We are generally hanging out with Daddy or Grandma or Auntie Kiki. 3) By the time our bedtime routine is over and I nurse you before sleep, I am ready to go to bed but 7:30 just is too early for me. So I tend to keep you up until I am more ready for sleep.

*After a couple nights of sleep experimentation, I came to the conclusion that you will not be ready for sleep at any point before 8:00 p.m. I think that you need about 10 hours a night (8 ish till 6 ish in the morning). So if we are reading bedtime stories at 7:45 p.m., then we are doing really well. And if you fall asleep rather quickly, I can still have 1-2 hours of "me" time. Sadly, "me" time = laundry and catching up on emails. But I am the neurotic one so that is my problem, not yours.

You say SO many words now! I don't even think I can list them all if I wanted to. You are quite confident about shouting "no!" and "help please". Recently we discovered that you can say "butterfly". You just talk all the time and it is so nice to be able to communicate with my little dictator. And you understand even more! When we get home, you will often run through the front door and then spin around quickly trying to escape again ("wait...I just remembered -- I don't want to be home"). Sometimes I am not quick enough and then I have to either chase after you or bribe you to come back in. The other day the I said "come in for cookie!" and you spun right back around again! Already I am black-mailing my child for dessert.

Another funny thing that involves dessert is that whenever we say "Kiki" (as in Auntie Kiki) you look towards the kitchen and ask "cookie?". V. cute.

I didn't really have a plan, but I always imagined that you would likely self-wean. But something changed in the past couple of months. I don't even want to us to wean, just to nurse less. Some days I am totally fine with your being my Velcro-baby who nurses frequently, but there are some days that I just am irritated by so much nursing. So we are working on nursing less. You don't like it very much and sometimes I feel bad because you do love your "na-nas" so much.

Your hair. I think we are at the point where we should address your hair. For awhile there I was concerned that a "good hair day" for you meant that it didn't look like you had been recently electrocuted. But now your "wisps" have developed into very cute ringlets! Grandma bought you a special shampoo for babies with curly hair and it seems to be helping quite a bit. I also now know that I need to wet your hair and comb it out each morning to get your ringlets back into shape.

I have been thinking a lot about your birth recently. I think it is because I am starting to think about giving you a sibling. Or not. Its a tough decision and one that we will cover at a later juncture. For you, we had planned an all-natural, water birth. Apparently, this plan was in contradiction to your own plan for exiting the womb or you are terrible at reading maps. Being the dramatic girl that you are (or just a terrible map-reader), you decided to attempt to get out sunny-side up and "brow presentation" which means that you had your neck tilted backwards. Well, guess what, that didn't work for my pelvis. We ended up in the hospital with a c-section. I was just so happy to have a beautiful, healthy baby that I didn't really figure out what had "gone wrong". But now considering being pregnant again, I wanted to know what happened and if I wimped out or really needed the c-section. After reading my medical records and research on the Internet, it is pretty clear that a baby can almost certainly not be born in the position in which you chose.

Of course, there is always room for doubt and so I am still thinking about "why" you ended up in that position -- what could I have done to change prevent/change that? You know what, I guess that I will never know. But I do know this: however in life your plans may contradict mine, I love you very, very much.

Hazards of Nursing in Public

Saturday Evening Picnic

This weekend the weather could not have been any more beautiful! And I am happy to say that we took full advantage of it. We went to the Saturday Market and then had our dinner at the park, picnic style. Odessa LOVES collecting all the flowers (dandelions) and bringing them to mom and dad.

On Sunday we ate breakfast at one of our favorite breakfast places and then we went to over to a friends for a bbq dinner.

Very good weekend.

Wednesday Evening

Tonight was one of those nights. Set up: It was a long day so we are all tired.

I attempted to put Odessa to bed twice. The first time at 7:30 p.m. (early for us but she was acting tired). After a couple minutes of snuggling and na-nas, Odessa got up and was jumping/dancing on the bed. Then she climbed off the bed and left the room. It is so strange to have a young, helpless (seemingly) infant one minute and what seems like the next minute, that same helpless infant is deciding by herself to get off the bed and leave the bedroom in search of cookies.

Attempt number two was at 8:30 p.m. and I was SURE that she was good and tired. In the dark room, I can sense that she is moving about. I turn on the light, and yep, she had gotten off the bed again and was carrying around my tennis shoe. I do not know how she sees in the dark like that. Possibility #1) better eyesight than moi; Possibility #2) she has cat DNA.

I am always torn between being the stern mom and bringing her back to bed or just letting her play until she is truly ready to sleep. I usually just start reading and listen for loud crashes coming from the living room. But, then I am lying there in bed reading about how we have a public health crisis: a generation of "sleep-deprived" children. That thought spins into my envisioning Odessa's poor, sleep-deprived future. The true public health crisis? Sleep deprived mamas.

The end of the story? Larry puts Odessa on his chest and she falls asleep immediately while I am up with insomnia worrying about her sleep-deprivation. Big sigh.

Passing Judgment at Bedtime

Reading from the book "Mama Loves You"

Me (pointing to page): "What's that?"
Odessa: "Bubbafly" (butterfly)



Me (pointing to page): "And what's that?"
Odessa: "Bee"



Me (pointing to page): "What is that one?"
Odessa: "Mama"


Is she saying something about my hair?

Ebay Addiction

I am coming to the conclusion that I may have an Ebay addiction, but look at these items I got for 99 cents each... Of course, once you add shipping to that it isn't quite as awesome of a deal but that's a minor detail that I say we forget.

Inobservant

So I never remember to look at the far right side of people's blogs to see their lists and stuff. I just changed all of mine and wanted to let anyone know who may be interested in taking a look. I know, real exciting stuff :)

Windows... Another place to draw

Odessa has graced us with her artistic abilty by covering many surfaces with her artwork. Why should the windows be left out?

Lost: One immune system ran away to have better times (reward if found)

I can't believe that I am sick again. My immune system truly must be MIA. I wonder if at-least part of the reasons is Odessa's entrance into "school" although she seems to be the healthiest of us all.


Odessa and I fell asleep at around 9 p.m. ish. Around midnight I woke up coughing and couldn't stop. So I came out to the kitchen and took cough meds and went back to bed. An hour later, I am coughing compulsively which, in turn wakes Odessa up. I tried to do the whole sitting up sleeping thing but it wasn't really helpful. It is time to take out the big guns. At that point I decided that I had no choice but to take the cough med w/ narcotic that I reserve for emergencies. I can't sleep. I am waking Odessa up. And she will likely be up for the day in, like, three hours.


So here is the warning -- I am blogging on narcotics again. I am just trying to give them some time to kick in so that I can crawl back into bed. Which sounds SO NICE. So hopefully I don't say anything stupid or regrettable in my narcotic haze.


My thought at the moment, is that maybe Grandma will be interested in a few qualiy hours with O in the morning so that I can get a few extra hours of shut-eye. Larry is in Canada for the weekend, otherwise it would be all on him. And to add the cherry on top, maybe Grandpa could pick up some donuts or starbucks or something. I think that I am going to need it!

Typing out her first novel

Update on Playschool

Odessa started at daycare/playschool just over a month ago and I think after yesterday's experience it is time for an update. I can't believe it has only been that short of a time -- I guess we are all adjusting very well when I think of it that way!

Yesterday we walked into the classroom coatroom and I proceeded to remove Odessa's sweater and hat. One arm was still in the sweater as she was attempting to enter the classroom by herself, she seemed so excited to be there! Odessa walked right up to the other kids and joined in on the play. She looked up at me and smiled and that was it. No tears, no clinging, no scowl.

This made me so happy -- to know that she is happy there and that I don't need to worry (or at least worry less). I am so happy to see that you are such a confident kid.

And one more toddler eating habit

I don't think any description is neccessary for this one...

Lazy Parenting

Today I was a lazy mom. And one is supposed to "pick their battles" right? And, "no" is becoming my least favorite word ever.

Today Odessa:

• ate cookies for breakfast
• drank almost all of the rootbeer
• ate lunch on the living room floor
• used markers to draw on herself and her clothes (and likely some other places that I haven't yet discovered)
• went outside without shoes
• "painted" with yogurt

And, it isn't even bedtime yet.

Good article (Wondertime magazine): http://wondertime.go.com/parent-to-parent/article/in-praise-of-lazy-parenting.html

Baby Bunny Odessa

And yet another toddler eating habit...

When eating lunch, you insist that your teddy bear sits beside you so that you can "feed" him. Ridiculously adorable.

Wrestling with my inner confusion

So, Odessa missed Wednesday at Daycare due to The Cold. I think that the majority of parents would have sent their kids in O's condition anyway but I just couldn't in good conscience -- I knew she wasn't feeling up to par and she had a quite, drippy nose.

So that means that she hadn't been at school in a week. And the week that it was just me and O together we had a lot of fun. The weather was great so we picked up "num-nums" at Trader Joes (including a hard cider for me), had a little picnic and played in the yard.

Additionally, I feel that I am beginning to understand how to incorporate some of the things that I feel she really benefits from inter our lives. I am getting the idea of setting up a few stations in the living room each day. One day it will be blocks, another a ton of books, etc. And also how to incorporate all the art projects that she loves without my anxiety peaking due to the paint on the carpet and the markers on the wall. Once a day or so, we still gate off the kitchen, bring out our art supplies and create away.

Plus I am getting better about getting out there in situations that I am not familiar with -- playgrounds, mama/baby networking groups, library story time, etc.

Now I feel conflicted (again) about working and having baby O in childcare. I don't think it is harming her -- I am not [too] worried about that. Now I am just starting to feel like I might be getting this whole parenting thing down (I know, only two years into it! [sarcasm]) and that I want to be with my babe during these tender, first years. I am always in a rush, but she will have plenty of years of playschool/preschool later.

The other side of the coin is this: I really like working. And I am worried that if I make this decision, then I will regret it and not be able to go back.

Through all this internal struggle, I also wonder if maybe I just need to take a vacation? I have the time from work but feel bad for using it as I know we have some projects that we are really trying to power through.

2 more thoughts just occurred to me: 1) I feel like having less going on in my life may help me clarify other internal struggles that continue to resurface. And 2) maybe one should avoid all inner conflict conversations with self at 2:30 in the morning.

Addendum: Another problem with posting blogs at 2:30 a.m. -- I totally don't remember writing this stuff! I thought I was dreaming. That makes me wonder if I should be worried about Alzheimer's. But maybe that is mommy-hood?

Another Toddler Eating Habit

After eating yogurt*, turns bowl upside-down, places on head and says "hat".

*strawberry Greek-style, mmmm....

Zoes Cabin March 2008

This past weekend my family spent two days in Zigzag, Oregon. Larry chose not to come for two reasons: 1) We were using this weekend to clean the carpets when O wouldn't be there to ingest the chemicals and 2) My family spent two days in Zigzag, Oregon. Enough said.

We had fun despite going through about 9 boxes of tissues, 2 bottles of cough medicine, and 1 bag of marshmallows.

Great Book

An article that tells it like it is

I think this is a must-read...

http://www.prospect-magazine.co.uk/article_details.php?id=4205

Toddler Eating Habits

* While eating pasta shells with tomato sauce for lunch, you stuffed one in each ear. I have no idea why. I do know that the old adage about not forgetting to wash your ears was made for you.

* You REALLY like Sunchips in Garden Salsa flavor. In order to get you in the bath this afternoon (in order to clean the tomato sauce out of your ear) I let you eat the chips in the bath. You were delighted. You enjoyed dipping them in the bubbles. And letting them drop into water and fishing them back out. It was really gross.

* Before eating a grape, you like to squish it with your foot.

Odessa, 19 months old

Wow. Life with a toddler is complicated. So many things to do and people to be and never enough time to be or do it all.

Reading through last months post is so nice because I can clearly see all the things that have changed in the past 30 or so days. And when you realize how much has changed in such a short period of time, it is no wonder that I feel tired, and anxious, and irritable.

I think that you are entering the "pre potty-training" phase but it all really depends on what books you read. The latest research seems to recommend potty training later vs. earlier. It is that pendulum swinging back the other direction. With so many families requiring two incomes, and daycare centers and preschools requiring potty-trained babies, the push to train early was intense.

So my point is that you notify us every time that you have to go "poo-poo". It is so funny because I didn't know that you even knew that word until you begin saying it to me in context. Yesterday we bought you a potty chair. Then you opened the lid and proceeded to put both feet in the bowl to stand up on it. I don't think you get the idea just yet.

You watch cartoons almost every morning. I admit it.

You will also turn off the TV when you are done and walk away. It is as if you are saying, "mom, haven't you read the latest research which documents the negative aspects of too much TV watching?" My reply is: "Yes, darling, but have you read the latest research that documents if mamas don't get their morning cup of coffee they slip slowly into insanity?"

I have realized that the characters on Disney cartoons often ask their audience a lot of questions, like "Do you see the blue ball?" It is hilarious because you have begun to answer back by saying "No." Yesterday, Mickey Mouse asked "Are we smart enough to solve this problem?" in his high-pitched annoying voice and you quickly respond back with an adamant "No".

Pre-baby I was sure that I would never let my kids watch all the annoying tv that is on. Now that I have a baby, The Wiggles and Jo Jo's Circus have become my allies in Operation Keep Odessa Entertained.

Now I am worried that people will ready this and judge me as a bad mama. So, let me just say that I do spend a lot of time interacting and playing with the poodle and I only turn on the tv when I need to get something done (shower, vaccume, go the mall, whatever).

You are back into wanting mama and daddy (and whatever other adult is nearby) to read books to you. At night-time, your all time favorite lately is "Mama Mama" and "Who are you, Baby Kangaroo?" You also love all the Dr. Seaus books too.

When you just want to sleep, you will flip through all the books really fast while I attempt to speed read them to you and then throw them on the floor. Then you will say "na-na" or point to the light and say "hep (help)" so that we can lay down to nurse and fall asleep. What is really funny is that the bedtime book routine is for your enjoyment, not some task which must be accomplished before we can go to bed for the night. Those are tacked up to the refrigerator door.

5:30 a.m. seems to be your preferred wake up time. Could be a lot worse so I am not going to complain. Okay, just a little bit... We have nowhere that we need to be getting to at that hour. This is the time period in your life where you should sleep in -- you have many years to come of having to wake up before the sun to get to work or school or whatever.

Additionally, you sleep 8-10 hours in a row. I know a lot of babes that sleep 12 hours straight at night (or so their parents claim). Parents are able to put their babies to sleep and then have a couple of hours to themselves before needing to go to sleep -- I think that is how people with kids get anything done or resume their sex lives (so you can only blame yourself for not getting a sibling :) But because you aren't going to sleep for 12 hours, I feel like I need to go to sleep when you do in order to get 8 ish hours in a row. Hmm. I am sure that this will change with time or we will find another way to adapt.

While eating at at restaurants, we usually will put you in a booster chair in between daddy and I. A few weeks ago, we were at a restaraunt eating breakfast with some friends and their baby. After you got bored with eating and attempting to climb the wall, you proceeded to stuff packets of sugar down my sweater and into my bra. After you would get five or six in there, you would proceed to dig them all out. And then you would start this process over. It was really funny but also a little awkward.

Another huge change is that you recently started at playschool two days a week. I have mixed feelings about it. I really think that you have a fun time there and I am really happy to know that you are somewhere safe and fun while I go to work. When I start to feel down however, all these guilt feeling creep over me and I worry that it isn't your benefit. And the kicker is this, I will not ever know whether what I am doing is beneficial for you or not. I just have to make a decision and trust my instincts.

Time for me to go. I need to remove your breakfast from your high-chair tray before you let me know that are done eating. Very clearly. By throwing the food onto the floor.

I adore you. I hope that I am making all the right decisions for you, or at least most of them. Or at least the big ones.

Clean hair and conditioned teeth

Yesterday I was in the bathroom getting dressed. Odessa was "helping" to "organize" our bathroom drawers while brushing her teeth. She pulls out a bottle of hair conditioner and attempts to open the lid so that she can squirt it on her toothbrush. When that attempt proves futile, she looks up at me and says "Mama, hep (help)". "I am sorry baby, that is not toothpaste. That is conditioner, for your hair". She looks back at the bottle of hair conditioner, pretends to squirt it onto her toothbrush and proceeds to run the toothbrush through her hair.

Finger-painting gone terribly wrong

Mother Earth is a Tease

Last weekend we had one day that was very sunny and warm and beautiful. It makes me excited for the longer days and warmer weather ahead.

Blue Eyes and Broccoli Face

She must have gotten both attributes from Larry -- a love of broccoli and blue eyes. Either him or the mailman.

The web should be disabled when I am sick...

As I am reading back through my posts from the past few days, I must say that I really shouldn't combine codeine and internet-publishing. Too much like "drunken-dialing", ya know.

And I have made quite a few Ebay bids on baby clothes that looked super-cute through the opiate haze.

I also wrote an email to my friend that essentially said "Lets start exercising together! We should eat soy cheese pizza tomorrow! We should open an ant farm in Australia!"

An Observation & Day Four at School

1) This blog is quickly becoming less about Odessa and more a personal journal for me. Which I am finding really nice. Plus, I guess, anything that is going on with Larry and I is going on for little miss O too.

2) I think I have referred to Odessa's daycare as "daycare", "preschool", and "playschool". I really don't know what the difference is. I do know that her day at school is filled with play in a somewhat structured manner and that they have a schedule. First it is free play, then morning snack, then inside playground (gym) or outdoor playground if it is nice outside, then lunch, then quiet play/story time, then afternoon snack. And at some point in there they do art projects playing with clay, paint, markers or whatever. I really think that she likes it there but all the same I am filled with mama-guilt (me anxious, what?!?)

Addendum to previous post

Addendum to previous post

How many times do I have to learn the lesson that I cannot take cough medicine with codeine? It is great because it lessens the cough which means that I can sleep (the coughing is what is keeping me up) BUT, and it is a big BUT, codeine totally makes me "high". I get super motivated and very much not sleepy. And really I haven't found anything w/o codeine that lessens coughs. Hmmm.

So tonight I am again taking cough meds but also taking some benadryl so I hope it does the trick. If not, that is why God made caffeine.

One thing or another + Day 3 at Playschool

If it isn't one thing it is another, ya know? So, no, I am not anxious and I am not feeling the insomnia. But I have a cough that wakes me up until I finally really get up, take cough medicine and wait for it to start working. This isn't the first time we have been sick this year and, although it isn't serious, boy is it annoying!

Today was Odessa's first "full" day at Play School. I dropped her off at about 8:15 a.m. We go into the classroom and hang up her coat and hat and then I spend a couple minutes there talking to her teachers. I picked her back up after work at 2:30 p.m. When I walk into the classroom, I just watch to see what she is doing until she eventually spots me and runs up to give me a hug. She was just about to climb onto one of the toddler-size chairs at the toddler-size table when she saw me.

Her teachers say that it is one of the smoothest transitions into school they have ever seen and that there were no tears all day! Plus she did really well with nap time, going straight to sleep on the mat with the special blanket that Grandma gave to her. I am having a hard time believing that they are talking about my kid! So I have a couple theories: 1) they are pumping "special" air into the room filled with serotonin, 2) when I leave to go to work, my baby is replaced by an alien baby, and 3) the lunch is spiked with benadryl.

It isn't like I think O is a bad kid but she is intense and would have cried at home at least one time during the day. I have read that some toddlers won't release that kind of energy (crying) unless they feel very safe and comfortable so they often "save it up" for their parents. So that is probably it. Now I WANT her to cry at Play School.

Her teachers wrote on her take-home note that she is very explorative and has investigated every part of the room. She also has taken a liking to a little boy named Max who follows her around trying to make her laugh. How adorable! I told Larry about Max and immediately in a stern, dad-like voice he said "How old is this Max?" What did he think, like this baby boy in playschool is, like, 30 0r something?

So another successful day of play school. And, honestly, I don't think that I have felt this happy in the past 19 months. Just knowing that she can be okay in that kind of a situation and that I can pursue some other interests...

Odessa fell asleep relatively early tonight -- 8 p.m. It was nice because it gave Larry and I a chance to just sit on the couch and talk. Sadly, something that we have a hard time finding the time to do since O.

We talked about our days -- he was telling me something about wood products and I was half-listening and reading a magazine article. Then I told him about a new plan I thought up at 3:30 a.m. yesterday (which is the time that all the first-rate plans are produced). The plan is this: we start up regular family meetings which we take minutes at. We discuss items and create action plans. And then we follow-up on that item/action plan at the next family meeting -- just like at work! He seemed less than excited. But families can be run like businesses, no?

And then I diagnosed him with Dysthimia and PTSD. That is pretty much when he announced that he was going to bed. I will add "talk about mental health" to the family meeting minutes.

Anxiety, an unwelcome visitor

Man, do I have a problem with the big A word. I think all of the changes in my life recently have really prompted some major anxiety with me. A few of the big ones: O starting at daycare, the drama in my family (one would think I would be used to that by now), and the surreal, out-of-body experience you sometimes get with a virus.

I am on xanax now (I just couldn't get my mind to quiet down enough to sleep) so I have clarity at the moment, albeit drug-induced clarity. So Tomorrow The Big Goal is to get back into my routine of reducing my anxiety through non-pharmacological ways. So basically I need to start walking again and also doing my yoga. I know that it sounds so clique but it is so true!

A tee-shirt that I HAVE to buy for Odessa...

Weather outside: warm and sunny; Weather inside: snotty and drippy

We caught The Cold that has been going around. I knew it was just a matter of time. I have all the typical cold symptoms, Larry just has a raging headache, and Odessa seems perfectly fine. I hope that it is all those good breast-milk antibodies and not the fact that she is the next to go down. Nothing is worse than having a sick kid to take care of. Their non-sick needs are so intense that if you add anything onto that, it is just crazy.

And, on a side note. I went back through the 2007 posts and we were totally all sick this time last year too. I guess mid-February is not good for us.

Playschool: Day Two

Day Two went great as well! I had a lot of anxiety that Day One was just a crazy fluke and that Odessa would be dragging on the floor holding onto my leg as I limped for the door. She did cry when I left. But, she does that when I leave her with Grandma or Daddy too. So, of course, I walk out and hide from view to listen. She cried, literally, for less than a minute. It is just like they say in all the damn books.

So I go to work. Larry picks her up four hours later (right before nap-time). He said she looked like she was having fun, just running around with the other babes. When she spotted him, she ran up to him smiling and that made him feel really good.

Larry took O to his office where I met them to pick her up and go home. She was sitting on his lap, helping with some computer related tasks. Of course, I asked Larry what the teachers said about how the day went, but he just didn't have enough elaboration so I called the school myself. The teachers said that she did really well, no tears, but seemed to be teething quite a bit (yeah, tell me about it). And that she made them all laugh because whenever one of the other kids would laugh, she would do her "fake" laugh which sounds SO not natural and she throws her head back for full effect.

So, all is good. Except for the fact that leaving her at play-school takes up most of my income. Which I am still working on how to justify but will consist of examples such as: the decreased earning power of women who "broke" from the workforce to care for their kids, my sanity which is greatly helped by going to work, and the importance for me to meet some of my non-mama related needs (that last one could also work as an excuse for hiring a prostitute, except maybe the "mama" part).

On another front, my mom has spoken to me in days despite my attempts at reconciliation. I think that she really believes that I did this to punish her, when in fact, it has nothing to do with her. It is all about Me. My mom would respond that I think everything is about me. And, actually, if I think about it, how else can one view the world but from the perspective of how everything else effects them?

It's three a.m. and I am awake again...

I am feeling very positive (although scared and nervous) about some changes coming up in my life. Fear holds me back. In fact it paralyzes me. But not with everything. A couple examples would be 1) leaving baby O with anyone other than my mom or her daddy 2) GRE -- I am so scared of that damn test and I need to figure it out in baby steps. Even if I never go to graduate school, I don't want that fear to hold me back 3) new places and new things: it takes me a lot of talking myself into it before I can go -- I have recently starting getting better at that as I am pushing myself way beyond my comfort level and I come out on the other side unscathed 4) finances -- the mere thought of money and I start panicking. Maybe I have PTSD? But from what? That one time my allowance was taken away? When a commercial comes one for debt reduction or banking or buying cars I switch the channel immediately. I know, not healthy, but I am working on it.

1) Odessa and Playschool: I have been thinking of starting Odessa at play-school part time (that really just means daycare but I think that “play-school" sounds better and that is what they call it in many other countries. So, in this instance alone I am European. That and when I don a fake English accent.

My fear of her potential sadness has held me back considerably. I never thought I would be one of those moms and here I am, a classic example. Here is the only way I can explain it: when you feel that your child could be sad or hurt or scared or confused, it just feels like someone is ripping your heart out with their bare hands.

Well, my jump into the pool of daycare, ahem play-school, was prompted by one of my mom and I's continual arguments. And when I do anything or say anything that she doesn't like, she refuses to watch O while I go to work. It is just not good to mix work and family like that. And this is probably the sixth time it has happened in a year or so.

Bottom line, it is just not a good dynamic. Reasons for my mom not to watch O while I work: 1) not good for the family dynamics of mom and her adult daughter (me), and myself and my young child. 2) my moms health is not up to par and it would be better for her to not have to take so much responsibility for O's welfare. 3) now when Larry and I want occasional date night (which we have found is very helpful for our marriage), I would feel less guilty about asking mom and she would likely be more enthused as she hasn't already had baby for two almost-full days.

So, yesterday I took Odessa to her first day of school (after taking two xanax for the feeling that my heart was going to beat out of my chest)! I hung out there with her for about an hour showing her the toys and books and other fun stuff. Then it was lunch time so I helped Odessa get comfortable in her seat, gave her a kiss, and said "mama is going to go for a little while and I will be back soon". She watched me leave but was really more interested in the food and all the little kids sitting at the table along with her.

I told all the teachers and the supervisor to call me for ANY reason at all. I will be just a few minutes away. From there I was trying to kill some time to give Odessa an adequate opportunity to experience a few hours of play-school. So I went to Starbucks and some baby re-sale shops and then finally to Target. I thought the three hours was NEVER going to end. I checked my phone constantly and even bought a car charger in case by some freak accident I lose what’s left of my battery before I get back to my baby. Side note: Another side effect of anxiety and xanax: shopping. Its not like I went crazy but I definitely bought more that I "should" have. I got some very cute clothes for O for this Spring and Summer, a couple new books, and a second car seat. Larry and I have been wanting to get a second car seat for a long time and it will be imperative if Larry is going to be able to drop off/pick up O sometimes.

So, I finally return to the play-school. After they eat lunch, it is story time, and then nap time. When I peaked into the room she was totally asleep on the little mat right next to another little girl’s mat. I couldn't believe it!

So I filled out a bunch of paperwork there and looked through their handbook because I was not going to wake her up. The next time I peaked in, all the kids are sitting at their cute, toddler-size tables with their afternoon snacks in front of them. Odessa is laughing and gabbing with a little girl next to her! I came in and she seemed happy to see me, although not ecstatic. We walked over to the chair in the corner for a one-minute na-na session and then she wanted me to read some books. So I did, and the other toddlers swarmed over to hear as well and put in their opinions on the book selection. Soon, Odessa climbed off my lap and went to play with some other toys. SO there I am reading to a bunch of kids who are not my own. "Time to go bye-bye Odessa" -- she begins running in the opposite direction -- she actually wanted to stay! (I hope that this is a sign that she is "well-attached" and secure and knows that I will always come back for her.) We waved "bye-bye" to all the little kids and we were off. It went better than I would have ever dreamed.

What a relief. And what a sense of freedom: I can go to the gym once in a while, or run a few errands without O, or whatever. Just knowing that you can't do those things is an awful feeling.

Tomorrow she goes again for four hours while I go to work. My phone will be glued to my hip. And maybe there will be tears at some point -- tomorrow or down the road, but at this point I feel so much more confident to handle any emotional challenges that come my way. I really do believe that this change is going to be good for all of us: my marriage, our family unit, Odessa, Grandma, me -- I now know that I can pursue some of my goals. It is possible. Some moms love to stay at home with their kids all the time -- I am not one of those moms. I have career, educational and personal growth aspirations and I don't want to think that I have to "shelve them" because I had a baby. It is just a matter of finding a balance that works for your family.

Reassurance

This is an article from kellymom.com that I have read more than once. And I should put it on my "to-do" list at least once every couple weeks. I spend so much time worrying and stressing and second guessing and listening to other's opinions when what I really need to do is just BE.

Are you feeling overwhelmed by your child's intense needs?

But how much intense parenting they need, possibly including frequent nursing, in the second year depends for the most part on their inborn timetable for emotional development. As parents we can slow down emotional growth by leaving needs unmet. But there is nothing extra we can do to speed it up. ...your investment in your toddler who seems to be 'always attached' will pay off when the time for independence does come. -- Norma Jane Bumgarner in "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler"

Older babies and toddlers can get really clingy at times. Sometimes it seems as if your child has been nursing all day (or all night), or has been clinging to your leg all day long (even when you go to the bathroom) and you really just need a break.

These "velcro days" usually have a cause (even if we only know after the fact): teething, illness, a developmental advance. But even when you know the reason behind a clingy episode, it can still be very frustrating, particularly if you had something you expected to get done or if you were simply anticipating some time to yourself.

Do know that each of us gets overwhelmed from time to time. Remember - these moments pass, even though it may seem like forever when you're in the middle of one of these days.

I've gathered a few tips for dealing with these "velcro" days, but I'd like to get your suggestions and experiences, too.

Alarm Clock

I bought an alarm clock last night at Target. I figured this would save me from having to get out of bed just to determine which course of action I should take: 1) it is 3 a.m. and I should be trying to get Odessa to go back to sleep or 2) it is 6:30 a.m. and her normal wake-up hour and I have no chance in hell of getting her to go back to sleep.

What I discovered last night is that it takes me about two hours to fall asleep once I get into bed. I didn't feel like I was having an unusually dificult time falling to sleep so I think this is pretty much my average.


So, I am finally falling asleep when Odessa wakes up for the first time in the night if she is teething, or growth-spurting, or has any other developmental thing going on (which is more nights than not). Then I am back to trying to fall asleep. Luckily this doesn't take as long the second time around.



Then Odessa wakes up one more time sometime in the night/early morning before she gets up "for real" at 6:15 -- 6:30 a.m.


What this also means is that I am getting less sleep than Larry is even though I go to bed much earlier than he does. So I get less "me" time and less sleep. Life is so not fair.

Reflections

Poodle in the snow

Baby (doesn't) Love Disco

We finally got to Baby Loves Disco (http://www.babylovesdisco.com/locations/portland/) last Sunday. It was funny for mama (vodka and cranberry juice) but Miss O was a little wary of the whole thing...the loud music, the disco ball, all those kids.

I am glad now that I didn't take her when she was younger. I knew my baby well enough to know that it would be overwhelming for her gentle personality and I am glad that I listened to my instincts. But then again, it really wasn't that big of a deal. I don't think she is likely to have life-long PTSD repercusions.

We will definitely go again...but when O is a bit older.

Chlamydia

True Story:

It all started when I managed to lose my birth control pills (see last post). In all the years of my birth control usage, I have never done that. So day two with no pills, I decide to call my primary care practitioner and leave a message asking that she phone a prescription in for me.

That morning while I was at the Children's Museum (CM), her medical assistant left a message for me to call her back basically saying that they would go ahead and phone that prescription in but she also needed to talk to me about one other thing.

I figured that one other thing was scheduling my annual exam -- when was the last one? Boy was I wrong.

So I get to Starbucks after the CM with my friend and our two babes. I finally reach the medical assistant and here is the conversation:

Her: "Your chlamydia test came back positive"
Me: "What?! But I have been married (and faithful) for eight years"

Her: "Then you should probably talk to your husband"

Me: Oh my God, okay"

Me to friend at Starbucks: "They say that I have chlamydia! What is chlamydia? What does that mean? How could I have gotten chlamydia? Larry cheated on me! That bastard!"

I call the medical assistant back to ask a couple more questions that I thought of after the shock of the news wore off. I leave message.

Back at home, I Google "Chlamydia": Women are routinely tested for chlamydia in pregnancy as they can pass it to their unborn babies. Larry gave me AND my baby chlamydia! Double-bastard!

I begin searching through my medical records. I find that I tested negative for chlamydia in pregnancy. That means he cheated on me sometime while I was pregnant OR had a newborn baby. Triple-bastard!

Medical Assistant returns my call.

Me: "How long could this have been dormant for?" (ie Is there any reason that I should not castrate my husband as soon as walks in the door this evening?)

Her: "It is possible that it was dormant for that long but very, very unlikely" (ie Go ahead with castration plans)

Me: "When was I tested for this? I can't even remember when my last annual exam was"

Her: "Hold on a sec while I check your medical record again"

On hold. Me panicking: I am going to be a single mother. What about the finances? What about our trip planned to Mt Hood? How do I tell Odessa about this when she is older? Who will get the cat? Who wants the cat? Should I throw all of Larry's belongings into the front yard?

Her: "Okay, take a deep breath"

Me: "What the hell are you going to tell me now, I have HIV?"

Her: "We got your medical records mixed up with another Megan and you are not the one who tested for chlamydia. We are so sorry about all of this"

One hour and two xanax later...

Me (to Larry): "Well, I almost divorced you today..."

Diagnosis: Parent Brain

Monday:
Me:"Lar, have you seen my wallet?"
Lar: "No mam"

An hour later...

Me: I found my wallet in the weirest spot -- in a bowl on top of the refrigerator! How strange that I would put it up there seeing that I can't even reach" (sarcasm)
Lar: Oops.

Tuesday:
Me: "Lar, have you seen the brown sugar?"
Lar: "No mam...but maybe you should check on top of the refrigerator just in case"
Me: "Already did. No luck this time"

Wednesday:
Me: "Lar, have you seen my birth control pills?"
Lar: "No mam"
Me: "Or my brain? I believe that I lost it sometime in July of 06"

Sleeping Like a Baby

Odessa was having a hard time falling asleep last night -- I guess that she takes after her mama :) She seemed very tired (ie cranky) at about 7:30 p.m. so we went to the bedroom lay down. Then she nursed and nursed and nursed (and nursed). Finally I said "Na-nas go night-night" and rolled over. She rolled around for a bit trying to get comfortable. The comfortable spot she chose was with her head resting on my back. After a few minutes, that baby head started to feel very heavy and yet I didn't want to chance waking her up and her wanting to nurse again. Luckily she rolled over again not long after that.

Just a few months ago, I never would have believed that the "na-nas go night-night" bit would ever actually work, but low and behold, they start to really understand SO much!

Dreaming of Summer

Insomnia...Again

So I have been suffering from various forms of insomnia ever since I had big life change about 1 1/2 years ago (can you guess what that was?:) This is day three and I am seriously considering calling my mh provider. The first problem is that it will take me FOREVER to fall asleep. Once asleep it feels like I really didn't get any sleep at all -- you know when you feel like you were just on the edge of sleep for hours. And then finally around 2:00 a.m. I wake up with tons of anxiety (closest thing that I can relate to an anxiety attack) and the only thing I can think of to do is to get up, journal (or blog) and take some sleep-inducing remedies. It seems like this happens intermittently and then goes away on its own after some time. But that "sometime" feels really long when you have to get up to take care of a baby and get to work and get all that other life stuff done. I really can't think of causes -- two nights ago I had two beers? and Odessa is getting her molars in which makes her not the happiest puppy on the block. Hopefully I will be well-rested and have an optimistic blog soon.

Computer Geek in Training

I left Odessa for the evening with her daddy. When I came back, they were sitting side-by-side at the kitchen table. Larry had his laptop open in front of him and Odessa was working with her own keyboard.

Door to Nowhere

Cape Meares

So we are not into buying a lot of stuff for Christmas. I loved it as a kid, but now as an adult living in middle-class America, I just don't really get it. It isn't that I am shunning commercialism either. It is more practical than that. There is really nothing that we want really badly and that we wouldn't just purchase ourselves. Yes, I could buy Larry a new sweater. Or he could just buy one himself.

Anyway, my point it this. We went to Cape Meares for the Christmas holiday prefering going to someplace over getting things that we really do not need or care about. We had a really good time and were bored out of our minds all at the same time. It was nice to have the days "off" and have nothing that we had to do.

We hope to go back sometime in the Summer. I think it will be great when the weather is warmer and we can play on the beach and eat dinner on the deck.

Odessa, 17 months old

17 months old:

I swear that I fall more in love with you every day. The experience of having a child and watching her grow is like no other and one that I am so grateful to be able to have. The love that I have for you is so different from any other love: it is immeasurable.

You are almost 1 1/2 years-old. Today I went through the tub of your teeny, tiny baby clothes making decisions on what to keep and what to give away. I cannot believe that you ever fit into some of those little outfits. I miss your tiny babyhood but love the toddler you so much! I look forward to every day that we have together.

So, I think that being 17 months old is very much about making messes. I try to be patient and let you explore but my "type A" personality tends to get in the way. My rule of thumb is any mess is okay as long as it isn't a food mess. Those are just too hard to clean-up.

Gathering also seems to be big right now. You will spend lots of time gathering items that are similar and putting them into a little pile (paper bits, silverware, soda cans etc). When you realize that I am watching you, you roll your eyes or make a cheesy grin and turn around the other direction. I think the toys that you play with the most are Q-tips, cotton balls, decks of cards, and band aids.

Your ability and interest in entertaining yourself has increased exponentially recently. You will spend twenty minutes or more looking through books, magazines, or a deck of cards. Right now your favorite books are "Grumpy Bird" and the Corduroy lift-a-flap books. We read to you every night but it seems that you prefer to "read" to us. Which is adorable.

Now I am also really noticing how you imitate everything! It is so cute to see how you carry around the cell phone to your ear with a purse on your shoulder or watching you "feed" your stuffed animals. This morning you were pretending to drink out of an empty cup, complete wit the "mmm...augh" sound effects. Other imitations: folding laundry, opening garbage bags, wrapping presents, putting away dishes, making silly faces, eye rolling, nose-blowing... The list could go on and on.

So many words! The latest one is "up". Early this morning we were sleeping in bed and you tugged on my shirt and said "up" because you wanted it out of your way so that you could nurse. You also say "Golla!" a lot and I am really not sure what it means. "Ma golla!" means "nurse me". Another favorite is "hot". You say it all the time. Many times in context and some others not. You will also put two words together which is unusual for your young age. You will also repeat almost any word that we ask you to. I got you to say "I love you" this month but it sounded more like "I la". Good enough for me.

Sleep. What new parent doesn't obsess over it or the lack of it? I did. I read all the books but never followed the advice and then worried that you would never be able to fall asleep on your own, that I was harming you for life. Now, at seventeen months old, many nights go by that you fall asleep on your own and don't wake to nurse until early morning. Wow. I really never thought I would ever see the day when that would happen. This gives me courage to follow my parenting instincts.

I don't know quite how to end this post. I feel that I need to say something profound and yet I don't know what. I guess that a simple "I La" with have to suffice.

Winter Berries

Trippin on cough meds

The cold/flu has invaded the Crutchfield household. Larry had it first and he seems to have recovered at this point. But last weekend I got a sore throat and cough. For the first few days, I felt really good except for a sore throat and laryngitis. Mostly it was problematic at night when the cough would continually wake me and Odessa up. I played musical beds switching between the couch and my bed and back again.

Then I got worse...I don't know what happened. Suddenly I just felt like total crap all the time. Pressure in the head, sore throat, sore chest from coughing, the works. I bought an over the counter cough medicine at Target. Nothing spectacular. I took it that night and it seemed to help a little, maybe.

The end of this boring story is coming up. So today we went out for breakfast (our weekend routine) and back home for a nice, long nap. When I woke, I decided to run some errands with Odessa. So I took some of my over-the-counter cough med having not eaten lunch. I really didn't think anything of it. Then the Alice In Wonderland tripping began... Dizziness, out-of-body sensation, feeling as though I can't process incoming information and as if my mind is three steps behind my body, weird dream-like feeling, unable to see clearly or process what I was seeing. I felt kind of drunk but without being relaxed. Instead I felt panicked and scared and worried that I was lapsing into a psychosis. You read about that. One day a happy person and wife and mom, and then next she is seeing mice running through the walls locked up in a padded room. So feeling as though I may be on the brink of a psychotic break, I am trying to think of what I should tell my husband that I won't be able to tell him later? But my thinking is so cloudy and roller-coaster like that I can't even think of what I should say. Panic.

Awful scary not fun. Phew I think it is almost over. But if not, at least I wrote it down and people may be able to piece together what happened before I totally lost it. That is, if anyone reads this which I know that my family is terrible about doing. When I was a kid, I couldn't get them to read my weekly publication the "Donesley Chronicle" so it really is no surprise.

Bite "O" Apple

Odessa bit into this apple and it is the cutest, tiny apple bite that we have ever seen. Thank goodness I had my camera on me so that I could preserve the memory forever ;)

Yes, we are first-time-crazy-about-our-baby parents. I wonder if that could be an official diagnosis. Should we update the DSM?

Breastfeeding & the Workplace in Oregon

Last week, Oregon's Senate passed HB 2372. The law requires most employers to provide two 30-minute unpaid rest periods for pumping during an 8-hour work day. Employers are also required to provide a private location for the employee to express milk. The law does not cover employers with fewer than 25 employees, and it exempts employers if the requirements pose an “undue hardship” in light of the size, financial resources, nature or structure of the employer’s business. This new law comes with a stiff penalty for violations: the Oregon Commissioner of the Bureau of Labor and Industries may assess a civil penalty of up to $1,000 for willful violations of the law.

(from http://urbanmamas.typepad.com//activistas/breastfeeding/index.html, December 5, 2007)