I am in a dark place. I don't want to write the specifics on a public forum but just saying that gives me some relief. I am having to make decisions that I only prayed that I would never be faced with.
Today's Gain From Meditation: "You are exactly the person that you are supposed to be"
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Inner Peace in Two Hours
I believe that for most of my life I have been experiencing an existential crisis. I do have blips of contentment and trust in the world, but for the most part, by brain is a spinning top of never-ending worries and thoughts. I know a lot of people who feel this way and some deal with it better than I. I know others who don't seem to feel this way at all. Recently speaking with a friend I said "I need to come up with a way to quiet my mind" and he responded, "If my mind were any MORE quiet, I would be asleep."
This is becoming more and more of a problem in recent years: as a younger person, I was always able to run away from my demons, if only partially successfully, by staying busy and never allowing myself be in the presence. I could also trick myself that all this would resolve itself if and when: "when I graduate", "when I get a real job", "when we have more money", "when I have more time.
Now I feel more THIS IS IT and less on a path to something more. I have a career (although debatable), I have a family, we make more money now than we have ever in the past...AND STILL...all the same feelings and worries and thoughts swirl around me. I can temporally alieve these feelings with a beer or a xanax but I need to come up with a more inner-directed method. I am masking the issues, and not dealing with them. Which tends to be my specialty.
Lately, I feel like I am being pointed in a direction where I need to take charge of this destiny. That it isn't going to happen on its own. I must come up with a way. I have been struggling and running for all these years and nothing has changed. I want to be more present and mindful and relaxed -- with myself, my husband, my daughter, and with life.
In the past, I have found meditation and yoga helpful. The problem is that I feel I need more direction and more motivation to not let the practice lapse.
So today Larry and I went to a workshop at a Buddhist Temple about an introdution to their teaching and to meditation. I am really glad that we went. We learned about posture and what to do (or not to do) with our minds during meditation. We then practiced meditation for twenty minutes. I think that I was probably able to stop thinking for, maybe, two seconds at a time. But I recently have been asking/begging to the higher power, whomever that may be, "please help. I am yours, just show me the way". The first response I received was "Stop trying to control everything over which you need to learn that you have no control". Today's response was more profound (for me): "You don't trust this world". If I were one to cry, tears would have been brought to my eyes. I then asked, "But how do I learn to trust the world?". No response. Maybe next time. Or maybe I need to trust a little so that I can learn to trust a lot.
I have read about various types of meditation and what I especially liked about this teaching, is that you can't do it wrong. Sure, there are better ways but those come with practice. Just sitting silently is a start. 30 seconds if you can, 30 minutes if you can do that. I need a casual pace to start or I will just get overwhelmed.
So, no, I did not achieve inner peace in two hours. But maybe it is a start.
A few things to remember about me:
1) I so totally am not the new-agey type that really believes in this stuff. But, hey, that hasn't been working.
2) I am currently reading Eat, Love, Pray and this may be a big motivating factor for many things: my current craving for Italian food, my seeking spiritual enlightenment, and my craving for Thai food -- specifically sweet rice with coconut ice cream (Note -- the author actually is in India, but I don't like Indian food, so I imagine Thai food. Mmmm.)
This is becoming more and more of a problem in recent years: as a younger person, I was always able to run away from my demons, if only partially successfully, by staying busy and never allowing myself be in the presence. I could also trick myself that all this would resolve itself if and when: "when I graduate", "when I get a real job", "when we have more money", "when I have more time.
Now I feel more THIS IS IT and less on a path to something more. I have a career (although debatable), I have a family, we make more money now than we have ever in the past...AND STILL...all the same feelings and worries and thoughts swirl around me. I can temporally alieve these feelings with a beer or a xanax but I need to come up with a more inner-directed method. I am masking the issues, and not dealing with them. Which tends to be my specialty.
Lately, I feel like I am being pointed in a direction where I need to take charge of this destiny. That it isn't going to happen on its own. I must come up with a way. I have been struggling and running for all these years and nothing has changed. I want to be more present and mindful and relaxed -- with myself, my husband, my daughter, and with life.
In the past, I have found meditation and yoga helpful. The problem is that I feel I need more direction and more motivation to not let the practice lapse.
So today Larry and I went to a workshop at a Buddhist Temple about an introdution to their teaching and to meditation. I am really glad that we went. We learned about posture and what to do (or not to do) with our minds during meditation. We then practiced meditation for twenty minutes. I think that I was probably able to stop thinking for, maybe, two seconds at a time. But I recently have been asking/begging to the higher power, whomever that may be, "please help. I am yours, just show me the way". The first response I received was "Stop trying to control everything over which you need to learn that you have no control". Today's response was more profound (for me): "You don't trust this world". If I were one to cry, tears would have been brought to my eyes. I then asked, "But how do I learn to trust the world?". No response. Maybe next time. Or maybe I need to trust a little so that I can learn to trust a lot.
I have read about various types of meditation and what I especially liked about this teaching, is that you can't do it wrong. Sure, there are better ways but those come with practice. Just sitting silently is a start. 30 seconds if you can, 30 minutes if you can do that. I need a casual pace to start or I will just get overwhelmed.
So, no, I did not achieve inner peace in two hours. But maybe it is a start.
A few things to remember about me:
1) I so totally am not the new-agey type that really believes in this stuff. But, hey, that hasn't been working.
2) I am currently reading Eat, Love, Pray and this may be a big motivating factor for many things: my current craving for Italian food, my seeking spiritual enlightenment, and my craving for Thai food -- specifically sweet rice with coconut ice cream (Note -- the author actually is in India, but I don't like Indian food, so I imagine Thai food. Mmmm.)
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