Between being a very-full time (and neurotic) mama, a full-time (and slightly less-neurotic employee) with hopes of advancing in my career some day, and all the apartment upkeep (admittance: highly neurotic), plus the juggle of retaining: marriage stability, economic stability, future (hopefully) economic advancement, AND attempting to keep a semi-stable workout schedule and all the other bodily upkeep. It is just too much and I don't know how to balance it in at all. Additionally, we have this weekend apartment cleaning job which runs contrary to a few goals: mama-stability, marriage stability, and having any free time whatsoever, and yet, non-contrary to others: economic viability.
One: I am fairly neurotic about so many things and that adds an additional level of complexity to what would already be a highly complex system:
- I am consistently and almost-constantly worrying about Odessa's development and happiness and if I am parenting in the best way possible for her.
- Secondly, I am too neurotic about my apartment. On one hand, I think I should just "let it go", but wouldn't that just create more work later AND drive me absolutely more nutty than I am already am? An example is that I was all ready for bed and tucked in for sleep when I absolutely HAD to get up to clean out my kitchen. I couldn't relax with the visual memory of all the food crammed in there haphazardly not to mention the possibly expired yams and yogurt. So I did that and I felt better. But there is always something else, you know?
- Thirdly -- working is very important to me. I want to do it and do it well. And I would like to continue to research options for advancement.
I guess the bottom line is that so many goals are completely contradictory to others. If I really commit myself to any one of these things that seem like absolute necessities, than others, by default have to slip. And that would drive me batty.
Every few days I wake up feeling very optimistic with the feeling of "I can do it all!" But that soon fades as my energy and mood-level also fade. I know that I need to prioritize and choose the top most-important things. But I have been trying to do that for years and I really just don't think that is something that I am capable of. My mental health demands a fine balance of keeping everything "just so" which is also just-so impossible.
With that note, I am going to go back to bed.
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1 comment:
Breath Woman Breath...or else you and all those that are in your life will not be able to ....
1. Don't set such high goals. Start small. Night before write down what you "must" do and nothing else. Might write down what you would "like to have done" by end of week. Everything else accomplished is icing on the cake.
2. Create a worry box. When you have a worry, write it down, throw it in the box and move on.
3. If you worry about it again, write it down again, throw it in the worry box, throw a quarter in a jar, and write down something positive. Energy exerted towards worries, is energy not well spent... Your time is worth more than a quarter, but visually you will begin to see. Better go to the bank and get a few rolls for the beginning :-)
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