Wrestling with my inner confusion

So, Odessa missed Wednesday at Daycare due to The Cold. I think that the majority of parents would have sent their kids in O's condition anyway but I just couldn't in good conscience -- I knew she wasn't feeling up to par and she had a quite, drippy nose.

So that means that she hadn't been at school in a week. And the week that it was just me and O together we had a lot of fun. The weather was great so we picked up "num-nums" at Trader Joes (including a hard cider for me), had a little picnic and played in the yard.

Additionally, I feel that I am beginning to understand how to incorporate some of the things that I feel she really benefits from inter our lives. I am getting the idea of setting up a few stations in the living room each day. One day it will be blocks, another a ton of books, etc. And also how to incorporate all the art projects that she loves without my anxiety peaking due to the paint on the carpet and the markers on the wall. Once a day or so, we still gate off the kitchen, bring out our art supplies and create away.

Plus I am getting better about getting out there in situations that I am not familiar with -- playgrounds, mama/baby networking groups, library story time, etc.

Now I feel conflicted (again) about working and having baby O in childcare. I don't think it is harming her -- I am not [too] worried about that. Now I am just starting to feel like I might be getting this whole parenting thing down (I know, only two years into it! [sarcasm]) and that I want to be with my babe during these tender, first years. I am always in a rush, but she will have plenty of years of playschool/preschool later.

The other side of the coin is this: I really like working. And I am worried that if I make this decision, then I will regret it and not be able to go back.

Through all this internal struggle, I also wonder if maybe I just need to take a vacation? I have the time from work but feel bad for using it as I know we have some projects that we are really trying to power through.

2 more thoughts just occurred to me: 1) I feel like having less going on in my life may help me clarify other internal struggles that continue to resurface. And 2) maybe one should avoid all inner conflict conversations with self at 2:30 in the morning.

Addendum: Another problem with posting blogs at 2:30 a.m. -- I totally don't remember writing this stuff! I thought I was dreaming. That makes me wonder if I should be worried about Alzheimer's. But maybe that is mommy-hood?