3:39 a.m.

Hey, guess what? It is 3:39 a.m. and I am up again! See: http://landofodessa.blogspot.com/2008/08/just-update.html

That number (or time) must have some significance for me. Or, more likely, my brain is naturally-trained to wake up around this time after all these years of off and on insomnia.

The Family Bed

Last night I was up reading later than usual. When I did go to bed, I used my reading light to determine how I could crawl into the bed without crushing baby Odessa. This is what I saw in the faint glow of the reading light. I just had to get a photo of our family bed (and Odessa's lack of the concept of "personal space").

Light at the end of the tunnel

I think we may have turned a corner with Odessa's sleep...



First of all, it just is getting better and better the closer that she gets to two. The first year was by far the most difficult.



A couple months ago, anyone putting Odessa down to sleep (other than me) would have to endure crying -- and a lot of it. I would have to be really over my limit before I could let that happen. And the majority of times, my maternal instinct got the better of me and I went in to snuggle her into sleep peacefully.



Up until two nights ago, here was the ritual: snack, diaper and pajamas, read stories and then nana-milk. After ten minutes or so of nursing, I detach myself and she will fuss a little, work on getting comfy and fall asleep. During that 30-60 minutes of waiting for her to fall asleep, I would lie there frustrated that this is my opportunity for me time and it won't happen.*



After an hour passes and she finally is asleep, I can sneak out but at that point it is getting late for me and I am frustrated that I could have been reading or writing an hour ago. Plus most nights I take benedryl to help me fall asleep and it takes at-least one hour to kick in. So if I took it before putting O to bed, then I would be too sleepy to get up and get any me time. And if I wait till she is asleep, I am likely not to fall asleep until really late at night.**



After that very long introduction, here is the point: Now after the bedtime routine which includes nana-milk for ten minutes or so, Odessa is able to snuggle up to Larry and fall fast asleep. A few whimpers but nothing more than I would get by being there too. We have done that the last two nights and it is a miracle for me!!! I can get up and do some of the things that I have been wanting to. Sigh of relief.

AND THEN, this afternoon Odessa was able to fall asleep with Larry for her afternoon nap. That has never happened before this easily. It would usually require tears and rocking. Now she just snuggles up and enters dream-land (and without mama-milk first). ***

I really think this is about her being developmentally ready for that stage. This would not have worked even a couple months ago.



*If you are wondering why can't I get out of bed while she is still awake. The answer is I don't know, I have tried, and it involved a lot of sobbing on her part and mine. She just doesn't want to be alone while falling asleep. We have had a family bed for her whole life, just lying in bed and going to sleep while others are not with her is just foreign. [It is possible at some point in the near future, this is something that I am going to work on. But for now I am going to trust my gut that she is just not ready for that leap yet. Who knows what the next few months will bring.]



**Which would mean that I would miss quite a few solid hours of sleep which is pretty necessary as O will wake me up between 1 and 5 times a night. Secondly, I am not a night-owl, even before baby I would in bed at 9 p.m.



***Now for my pessimism -- napping with baby in the afternoon is my favorite thing and today I am missing it. But on the bright side, it is good to know that I have the option.

Odessa, 21 Months

Oh baby. I love you so much. It isn't until you are a parent that you can understand the depths of love that one can have for their children.

Life with you is getting to be really fun! The newborn phase, with your endless crying, was tormenting. As an infant, I realized how my personality doesn't match well with the needs of a young baby. I need alone time. I write and read. This is how I maintain any semblance of a emotional equilibrium. But now you enjoy a little more independence, which gives me some of the time that I "need". You also love to be on the go! I can tell that you get bored at home by mid-morning. So every day that we are home we go out and play and have fun together. Sometimes we get out just to run errands -- grocery store, bank etc. Other days we enjoy peaceful time at the library and the park. And some days I have a lot of energy and we will go to the Children's Museum or the community center indoor gym -- Odessa-centric places like that.

You are VERY sociable. You love to go around restaurants and say "Hi" to everyone at their tables. Much to the chagrin of the staff. At school, they call you their "greeter" because you will stand at the gated doorway and greet everyone who goes by. When you see other kids playing, you don't hesitate to go right over and join in. I have to watch you carefully, because you will follow kids anywhere. At a Le Leche League meeting the other day, you went around to each of the moms to sit on their laps -- and they were complete strangers. I am so happy that you are so confident and comfortable around people. I hope that trait continues.

You have been teething for what seems like forever. But these past two months all that effort paid off and you have gotten approximately 6 molars. I say "approximately" because it is really hard to get a good look in your mouth without getting bitten. BUT, a couple of weeks ago we had a couple really rough nights where we only got a few hours of shut-eye. That was tough but it all seems to be going better now (knock on wood).

Schedule. Schmedule. It used to be so random and now your patterns are quite consistent. Which is good for me because I need routines. You are an early riser. I am really not sure how to change that. So we get up at 5:30 most mornings. Your nap time is around 12 p.m. depending on how busy we are. If I nap with you (and I usually do, one of my all-time favorite parts of the day) you will often sleep for 2-3 hours. It is such a nice reprieve in the middle of the day. You go to bed around 9:30 p.m. I am trying to make that earlier in the evening but I am not very good at it. 1) I wonder if you go to bed at 7:30 or 8:00 if you will still wake up at 5:30 a.m. Maybe you would and that would be good for you and you need more sleep. Or maybe not. 2) It is hard for me to want to stop all the evening activities to start our bedtime routine. We are generally hanging out with Daddy or Grandma or Auntie Kiki. 3) By the time our bedtime routine is over and I nurse you before sleep, I am ready to go to bed but 7:30 just is too early for me. So I tend to keep you up until I am more ready for sleep.

*After a couple nights of sleep experimentation, I came to the conclusion that you will not be ready for sleep at any point before 8:00 p.m. I think that you need about 10 hours a night (8 ish till 6 ish in the morning). So if we are reading bedtime stories at 7:45 p.m., then we are doing really well. And if you fall asleep rather quickly, I can still have 1-2 hours of "me" time. Sadly, "me" time = laundry and catching up on emails. But I am the neurotic one so that is my problem, not yours.

You say SO many words now! I don't even think I can list them all if I wanted to. You are quite confident about shouting "no!" and "help please". Recently we discovered that you can say "butterfly". You just talk all the time and it is so nice to be able to communicate with my little dictator. And you understand even more! When we get home, you will often run through the front door and then spin around quickly trying to escape again ("wait...I just remembered -- I don't want to be home"). Sometimes I am not quick enough and then I have to either chase after you or bribe you to come back in. The other day the I said "come in for cookie!" and you spun right back around again! Already I am black-mailing my child for dessert.

Another funny thing that involves dessert is that whenever we say "Kiki" (as in Auntie Kiki) you look towards the kitchen and ask "cookie?". V. cute.

I didn't really have a plan, but I always imagined that you would likely self-wean. But something changed in the past couple of months. I don't even want to us to wean, just to nurse less. Some days I am totally fine with your being my Velcro-baby who nurses frequently, but there are some days that I just am irritated by so much nursing. So we are working on nursing less. You don't like it very much and sometimes I feel bad because you do love your "na-nas" so much.

Your hair. I think we are at the point where we should address your hair. For awhile there I was concerned that a "good hair day" for you meant that it didn't look like you had been recently electrocuted. But now your "wisps" have developed into very cute ringlets! Grandma bought you a special shampoo for babies with curly hair and it seems to be helping quite a bit. I also now know that I need to wet your hair and comb it out each morning to get your ringlets back into shape.

I have been thinking a lot about your birth recently. I think it is because I am starting to think about giving you a sibling. Or not. Its a tough decision and one that we will cover at a later juncture. For you, we had planned an all-natural, water birth. Apparently, this plan was in contradiction to your own plan for exiting the womb or you are terrible at reading maps. Being the dramatic girl that you are (or just a terrible map-reader), you decided to attempt to get out sunny-side up and "brow presentation" which means that you had your neck tilted backwards. Well, guess what, that didn't work for my pelvis. We ended up in the hospital with a c-section. I was just so happy to have a beautiful, healthy baby that I didn't really figure out what had "gone wrong". But now considering being pregnant again, I wanted to know what happened and if I wimped out or really needed the c-section. After reading my medical records and research on the Internet, it is pretty clear that a baby can almost certainly not be born in the position in which you chose.

Of course, there is always room for doubt and so I am still thinking about "why" you ended up in that position -- what could I have done to change prevent/change that? You know what, I guess that I will never know. But I do know this: however in life your plans may contradict mine, I love you very, very much.

Wednesday Evening

Tonight was one of those nights. Set up: It was a long day so we are all tired.

I attempted to put Odessa to bed twice. The first time at 7:30 p.m. (early for us but she was acting tired). After a couple minutes of snuggling and na-nas, Odessa got up and was jumping/dancing on the bed. Then she climbed off the bed and left the room. It is so strange to have a young, helpless (seemingly) infant one minute and what seems like the next minute, that same helpless infant is deciding by herself to get off the bed and leave the bedroom in search of cookies.

Attempt number two was at 8:30 p.m. and I was SURE that she was good and tired. In the dark room, I can sense that she is moving about. I turn on the light, and yep, she had gotten off the bed again and was carrying around my tennis shoe. I do not know how she sees in the dark like that. Possibility #1) better eyesight than moi; Possibility #2) she has cat DNA.

I am always torn between being the stern mom and bringing her back to bed or just letting her play until she is truly ready to sleep. I usually just start reading and listen for loud crashes coming from the living room. But, then I am lying there in bed reading about how we have a public health crisis: a generation of "sleep-deprived" children. That thought spins into my envisioning Odessa's poor, sleep-deprived future. The true public health crisis? Sleep deprived mamas.

The end of the story? Larry puts Odessa on his chest and she falls asleep immediately while I am up with insomnia worrying about her sleep-deprivation. Big sigh.

Wrestling with my inner confusion

So, Odessa missed Wednesday at Daycare due to The Cold. I think that the majority of parents would have sent their kids in O's condition anyway but I just couldn't in good conscience -- I knew she wasn't feeling up to par and she had a quite, drippy nose.

So that means that she hadn't been at school in a week. And the week that it was just me and O together we had a lot of fun. The weather was great so we picked up "num-nums" at Trader Joes (including a hard cider for me), had a little picnic and played in the yard.

Additionally, I feel that I am beginning to understand how to incorporate some of the things that I feel she really benefits from inter our lives. I am getting the idea of setting up a few stations in the living room each day. One day it will be blocks, another a ton of books, etc. And also how to incorporate all the art projects that she loves without my anxiety peaking due to the paint on the carpet and the markers on the wall. Once a day or so, we still gate off the kitchen, bring out our art supplies and create away.

Plus I am getting better about getting out there in situations that I am not familiar with -- playgrounds, mama/baby networking groups, library story time, etc.

Now I feel conflicted (again) about working and having baby O in childcare. I don't think it is harming her -- I am not [too] worried about that. Now I am just starting to feel like I might be getting this whole parenting thing down (I know, only two years into it! [sarcasm]) and that I want to be with my babe during these tender, first years. I am always in a rush, but she will have plenty of years of playschool/preschool later.

The other side of the coin is this: I really like working. And I am worried that if I make this decision, then I will regret it and not be able to go back.

Through all this internal struggle, I also wonder if maybe I just need to take a vacation? I have the time from work but feel bad for using it as I know we have some projects that we are really trying to power through.

2 more thoughts just occurred to me: 1) I feel like having less going on in my life may help me clarify other internal struggles that continue to resurface. And 2) maybe one should avoid all inner conflict conversations with self at 2:30 in the morning.

Addendum: Another problem with posting blogs at 2:30 a.m. -- I totally don't remember writing this stuff! I thought I was dreaming. That makes me wonder if I should be worried about Alzheimer's. But maybe that is mommy-hood?

Addendum to previous post

Addendum to previous post

How many times do I have to learn the lesson that I cannot take cough medicine with codeine? It is great because it lessens the cough which means that I can sleep (the coughing is what is keeping me up) BUT, and it is a big BUT, codeine totally makes me "high". I get super motivated and very much not sleepy. And really I haven't found anything w/o codeine that lessens coughs. Hmmm.

So tonight I am again taking cough meds but also taking some benadryl so I hope it does the trick. If not, that is why God made caffeine.

Alarm Clock

I bought an alarm clock last night at Target. I figured this would save me from having to get out of bed just to determine which course of action I should take: 1) it is 3 a.m. and I should be trying to get Odessa to go back to sleep or 2) it is 6:30 a.m. and her normal wake-up hour and I have no chance in hell of getting her to go back to sleep.

What I discovered last night is that it takes me about two hours to fall asleep once I get into bed. I didn't feel like I was having an unusually dificult time falling to sleep so I think this is pretty much my average.


So, I am finally falling asleep when Odessa wakes up for the first time in the night if she is teething, or growth-spurting, or has any other developmental thing going on (which is more nights than not). Then I am back to trying to fall asleep. Luckily this doesn't take as long the second time around.



Then Odessa wakes up one more time sometime in the night/early morning before she gets up "for real" at 6:15 -- 6:30 a.m.


What this also means is that I am getting less sleep than Larry is even though I go to bed much earlier than he does. So I get less "me" time and less sleep. Life is so not fair.

Sleeping Like a Baby

Odessa was having a hard time falling asleep last night -- I guess that she takes after her mama :) She seemed very tired (ie cranky) at about 7:30 p.m. so we went to the bedroom lay down. Then she nursed and nursed and nursed (and nursed). Finally I said "Na-nas go night-night" and rolled over. She rolled around for a bit trying to get comfortable. The comfortable spot she chose was with her head resting on my back. After a few minutes, that baby head started to feel very heavy and yet I didn't want to chance waking her up and her wanting to nurse again. Luckily she rolled over again not long after that.

Just a few months ago, I never would have believed that the "na-nas go night-night" bit would ever actually work, but low and behold, they start to really understand SO much!

Insomnia...Again

So I have been suffering from various forms of insomnia ever since I had big life change about 1 1/2 years ago (can you guess what that was?:) This is day three and I am seriously considering calling my mh provider. The first problem is that it will take me FOREVER to fall asleep. Once asleep it feels like I really didn't get any sleep at all -- you know when you feel like you were just on the edge of sleep for hours. And then finally around 2:00 a.m. I wake up with tons of anxiety (closest thing that I can relate to an anxiety attack) and the only thing I can think of to do is to get up, journal (or blog) and take some sleep-inducing remedies. It seems like this happens intermittently and then goes away on its own after some time. But that "sometime" feels really long when you have to get up to take care of a baby and get to work and get all that other life stuff done. I really can't think of causes -- two nights ago I had two beers? and Odessa is getting her molars in which makes her not the happiest puppy on the block. Hopefully I will be well-rested and have an optimistic blog soon.

Elusive Sleep

Oh sleep, my dear friend
you used to come to easily and stay without hesitation
...and then I had a baby...
and now you dissapear so quickly, leaving me wide-eyed
and wishing for your return