3:39 a.m.

Hey, guess what? It is 3:39 a.m. and I am up again! See: http://landofodessa.blogspot.com/2008/08/just-update.html

That number (or time) must have some significance for me. Or, more likely, my brain is naturally-trained to wake up around this time after all these years of off and on insomnia.

The Family Bed

Last night I was up reading later than usual. When I did go to bed, I used my reading light to determine how I could crawl into the bed without crushing baby Odessa. This is what I saw in the faint glow of the reading light. I just had to get a photo of our family bed (and Odessa's lack of the concept of "personal space").

What it is like...

http://www.nola.com/news/t-p/frontpage/index2.ssf?/base/living-0/116149796856910.xml&coll=1

A book that I need...

I think that this book would really save me time: it would be so much easier to have all the ailments in one place rather than having to Google each random symptom.

Just an Update

It is 3:39 a.m. and I am up (AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN) with insomnia. This is something that I will address AGAIN at my next mental health appointment. I feel a little lost about the whole thing because, it feels, I have complained so many times, tried so many options, all to no avail. Maybe this is something that I just need to live with and realize that it could be so much worse.

My last post about vacuuming was so utterly lame. Sometimes I do just have these thoughts and questions though and wonder what others think.

Larry has been in Idaho visiting his folks for a long weekend so I have been a single-mom. Not easy at all but I think that I have fared fairly well. And, don't tell Larry this, but sometimes getting into the routine of just Odessa and I is a lot simpler than having the three of us to worry about. I even managed to take Odessa to the zoo yesterday which she loved this time more than any time before. Her favorite exhibits were the Sea Lions ("wow!"), the giant fish ("wow shish!") and, by far, the monkeys ("monkey! look another monkey!"). When we went and saw the elephants, she just kept asking for the monkeys again. That being said, I will be happy to have my hubby home. It does complete our family unit.

I want another baby. Maybe. Or some days. It is just the decision whether it is a good/right idea or not. I am just not sure that I am really the best person for the job. My depression/anxiety is not always/often in control and I worry that isn't fair to current and/or future offspring. I am working on that aspect as I have been re-adjusting all my meds rather drastically lately trying to find something that really, truly works for me. My provider doesn't think that I have ever felt un-depressed and that is why it is such a struggle. I am now going back to the one med that I felt actually, truly helped and we will see where that leads. I am hopeful. After that I may try electro-schock :)

Last night we were watching the divers on the Olympics. O was so cute! As the divers would position themselves at the end of the spring-board she would shout out "Go! Jump!" and then she would jump herself (and then do a little dance) as the athletes would leap into the air and plunge into the water. You should see her stuff when we are watching the gymnasts!

Swim lessons are over. We had a good, albeit tiring, two weeks. Odessa is super comfortable in the water and can do many 'tricks' including kicking, arm reaching, monkey-crawl, jumping in (her personal favorite) and entering and exiting the pool semi-correctly. I am considering some more classes for the fall but I would also like to look into tumbling as she is really into that right now too.

Question: How early is too early to start vacuuming the apartment?

I have a kid that wakes up at 6 a.m. (or earlier) every day -- even Sundays! So, what time is too early to begin vacuuming the apartment? Once I am awake, I want to get things done.

Starfish Odessa

Last Monday Odessa started swim lessons through Portland Parks and Recreation. Here are a few pictures of our first lesson.


The lessons are Monday through Friday evening for two weeks. I can already tell that I am going to be ready for them to end when they do. It is fun to be in the water but I am so tired by the end of the day!

After lesson number 5, she is SO much more comfortable in the water than when we began. She used to cling to me intensely. Now she struggles to get away from me and back to the wall so that she can climb up and jump back in.

Fun in the fountain II

Another beautiful Portland day that we spent playing in the fountains and at the playground.

The Big 02

Well, my baby turned two years old on the 18th. We didn't have any big celebration but we did have a picnic in the park and cupcakes and fun so I think that qualifies so that I am not a too neglectful mom.

She finally got her first haircut. I took a couple of inches off the bottom and "The Mullet" is now gone. Then this morning I took a couple inches off the comb-over that was on top. Now the whole thing looks much more even and very cute. And the tangles are seriously diminished. I have been trying to get a picture but she hasn't been real cooperative.

Summer. I can't believe how fast it is flying by. I had so many plans for fun things to do and so few of them have come into fruition. This depresses me. But I will try to relax and not make things worse by over-scheduling. Plus these last couple weekends have just gone by in the blink of an eye. I have quite a few errands that I keep meaning to get around to but...

Just a few days ago we finally caught on to how much signing Odessa was doing. Actually, Larry did when he recognized the sign for "more". Many many months ago I gave up even trying to remember to incorporate the signs into our daily lives. But she is learning it at school. Now I see that she is signing "all done" and "thank you". I should have realized the "all done" sign, now it is so obvious what she is doing when she says "Eye Dye!" (or "I die!" -- She is my baby and I am a bit of a pessimist but I am going with the former). I bet there are more but I need to take a refresher course in signing myself. She is also learning the signed alphabet at school and she will try to make the hand 'poses' but she does so really, really poorly. She is good at recognizing the ones that I make though, and will say the letter "A" etc. And I actually remember how to sign the alphabet from when I was a kid.

Last night Odessa was reading "The Giving Tree" to herself. I was reading my own book but had to stop and watch her. I am not totally clear on what her version of the book is about but I know that it contains a lot of hats. On almost every page, she would speak her little martian language and then say "hat" or "hair" and then touch the top of her head. There was also very clearly some content about apples (which are actually in the book).

Odessa now find nose-picking incredibly funny. I think it was because I reacted and said "ucky". For the next ten minutes, she would continuously stick her index finger inside of her nostril and stare at me, waiting for a reaction. I then spent ten minutes trying not to laugh. It didn't really work.

Just a few days ago Odessa had her two-year well-baby check-up with the pediatrician. All is good. And she is in the third percentile for weight! Yoo hoo at least she is on the curve. As with every visit, the doctor then asks me how she is eating. It is tough because I have never had another baby with which to compare. I told him that I feed her three meals and two snacks. She will eat a good portion of two of the meals and it is hiss and miss with the others. Lately she is also into choosing her own food and she will mostly choose yogurt, cheese, ovaltine, and berries. So now, not three days later, she is eating like a...what?...what eats a lot? Anyway, she will eat a whole carton of yogurt and then ask for "more". She used to just eat a third or so of it and then be done. So, go figure, maybe at our next visit she will have climbed all the way up to the fourth percentile :)

"Daddy's Bike Hat"

Almost Two

It is seriously crazy that in just four weeks*, I will have a two year-old! How did that happen? When did my "baby" get so big? The books don't even call you a baby after the age of eighteen-months. Then you are a toddler.

*I started this post a couple weeks ago so now we only have ten days till O is two.

Lot's of changes. I can't even think of all the words and phrases that you are using now. From "I don't know"? (complete with hands out and head tilt gestures) to "Wha's that"? It is fun to see you asking so many questions. It is like having a little Alien and introducing her to our world. What's that? -- a gardening hose...What's that? -- a lunchbox... I also enjoy when you correct me. "Apple". "No, that's an apricot. Both are fruit." "No, apple." you say.

And speaking of new phrases: everything is "mine". MY book, MY cup, MY keys. And a loud, dramatic "Miiiiinnnneeee" when we have a friend over and you don't want to share. On the flip side, Odessa is also really big on pointing out what belongs to other people. "Your shoe. Your shirt." She will often go find shoes in my closet and bring them to me saying "yourrrr shoe..." until I put the shoes on/let her put the shoes on me.

I didn't know what the "terrible twos" were about until recently. The DRAMA! Some days, it seems, there is a dramatic outburst about everything and nothing all at once. Many times it is about your wanting to do things independently, such as go down the stairs, get into the car, put on your shoes etc. When I try to help, you get upset. And when I let you do it yourself, you will often get frustrated at not being able to or not being able to quickly enough. I try to remember everything that I know about child development and not get frustrated myself but it proves challenging.

We have also decided stop taking you into restaurants as often. You just don't have the patience right now. It usually ends up either Larry or I is eating and the other is chasing you around trying to keep you in the restaurant but out of the kitchen. You just don't want to be still or stay near and so restaurants and stores etc are torturous. The other day we went to the library and you got to use one of the computers that is set up for kids. I spent the rest of our time there trying to convince you that we don't have access to EVERY computer in the library. You were just steps away from pushing a librarian out of the way so that you could claim that computer as "miiinnneee". That is probably why parents of toddlers spend so much time outdoors. It is harder to be too loud or too wild.

Nursing: We are almost exclusively nursing now only at nap and night-night time. If you are sick or have been away from me for a long time, I may concede to an extra time or two in between. Lately you have also been bringing me dolls to give "na-nas" and just today you wanted me to nurse your horse sticker. I am sure that would appeal to some fetishists as well.

Bedtime seems like it has gotten considerably easier lately. For awhile there it seemed to just take a REALLY long time. But now we started closing the bedroom door (duh, so you can't just leave the room -- I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier) and when you fuss, I pretty much just ignore you. I was spending a lot of time consoling but it just seemed to start the whole process over again.

It is pretty awesome seeing you grow from a tiny little newborn into this wild little child. I can't believe that it has already been two years since you were born and, at the same time, I can't believe that it has ONLY been two years that I have known you. Somebody said (and I think this is so true) "the days are long and the years are short".

Because we have too much time on our hands...

So, I am constantly getting Larry and I into extra jobs in order to make/save money. One year we spent two weeks selling fireworks at one of those little stands. In retrospect I think that we had fun. The latest is that I agreed that we would clean the apartment grounds for three hundred dollars off of rent. Last weekend was our first and it took SIXTEEN hours! We are hoping it goes faster in subsequent weeks.

Here is a pic of Odessa helping out: she needs to earn her keep too :) I brought her little broom, duster, and a rag -- she loved it! I just need a little bandanna to tie around her head.

Fun in the fountain

My husband the mormon missionary

What next?

We started the week off with a nice case of Pink Eye for Odessa and I. Then I had an allergic reaction to the eye drops that I was prescribed. I looked like I had been stung in the eyes by a swarm of angry bees. And then yesterday, my virus developed into the worst sore throat that I have ever had (can't swallow, can't move neck, can't open mouth). Today I am on Vicodin for the pain so that I can at least drink my meals with a straw.

Snuggly After Bath

Why husband shouldn't read blog

You receive mean comment from "Anonymous" that has to be deleted. Husband looks around shiftily, hoping that you can't figure out who Anonymous is. Then leaves for work abruptly.

Physical Manifestations of Too Much Stress

It is funny that my tag line is "It's a nice place to visit!" and then the most recent blog is titled "darkness". That is exactly the place that I always wanted to go!


My allergies are acting up. My skin is breaking out. My stomach doesn't feel right. I slept like crap last night.

Darkness

I am in a dark place. I don't want to write the specifics on a public forum but just saying that gives me some relief. I am having to make decisions that I only prayed that I would never be faced with.

Today's Gain From Meditation: "You are exactly the person that you are supposed to be"

Inner Peace in Two Hours

I believe that for most of my life I have been experiencing an existential crisis. I do have blips of contentment and trust in the world, but for the most part, by brain is a spinning top of never-ending worries and thoughts. I know a lot of people who feel this way and some deal with it better than I. I know others who don't seem to feel this way at all. Recently speaking with a friend I said "I need to come up with a way to quiet my mind" and he responded, "If my mind were any MORE quiet, I would be asleep."

This is becoming more and more of a problem in recent years: as a younger person, I was always able to run away from my demons, if only partially successfully, by staying busy and never allowing myself be in the presence. I could also trick myself that all this would resolve itself if and when: "when I graduate", "when I get a real job", "when we have more money", "when I have more time.

Now I feel more THIS IS IT and less on a path to something more. I have a career (although debatable), I have a family, we make more money now than we have ever in the past...AND STILL...all the same feelings and worries and thoughts swirl around me. I can temporally alieve these feelings with a beer or a xanax but I need to come up with a more inner-directed method. I am masking the issues, and not dealing with them. Which tends to be my specialty.

Lately, I feel like I am being pointed in a direction where I need to take charge of this destiny. That it isn't going to happen on its own. I must come up with a way. I have been struggling and running for all these years and nothing has changed. I want to be more present and mindful and relaxed -- with myself, my husband, my daughter, and with life.

In the past, I have found meditation and yoga helpful. The problem is that I feel I need more direction and more motivation to not let the practice lapse.

So today Larry and I went to a workshop at a Buddhist Temple about an introdution to their teaching and to meditation. I am really glad that we went. We learned about posture and what to do (or not to do) with our minds during meditation. We then practiced meditation for twenty minutes. I think that I was probably able to stop thinking for, maybe, two seconds at a time. But I recently have been asking/begging to the higher power, whomever that may be, "please help. I am yours, just show me the way". The first response I received was "Stop trying to control everything over which you need to learn that you have no control". Today's response was more profound (for me): "You don't trust this world". If I were one to cry, tears would have been brought to my eyes. I then asked, "But how do I learn to trust the world?". No response. Maybe next time. Or maybe I need to trust a little so that I can learn to trust a lot.

I have read about various types of meditation and what I especially liked about this teaching, is that you can't do it wrong. Sure, there are better ways but those come with practice. Just sitting silently is a start. 30 seconds if you can, 30 minutes if you can do that. I need a casual pace to start or I will just get overwhelmed.

So, no, I did not achieve inner peace in two hours. But maybe it is a start.

A few things to remember about me:

1) I so totally am not the new-agey type that really believes in this stuff. But, hey, that hasn't been working.
2) I am currently reading Eat, Love, Pray and this may be a big motivating factor for many things: my current craving for Italian food, my seeking spiritual enlightenment, and my craving for Thai food -- specifically sweet rice with coconut ice cream (Note -- the author actually is in India, but I don't like Indian food, so I imagine Thai food. Mmmm.)