Fun in the fountain

My husband the mormon missionary

What next?

We started the week off with a nice case of Pink Eye for Odessa and I. Then I had an allergic reaction to the eye drops that I was prescribed. I looked like I had been stung in the eyes by a swarm of angry bees. And then yesterday, my virus developed into the worst sore throat that I have ever had (can't swallow, can't move neck, can't open mouth). Today I am on Vicodin for the pain so that I can at least drink my meals with a straw.

Snuggly After Bath

Why husband shouldn't read blog

You receive mean comment from "Anonymous" that has to be deleted. Husband looks around shiftily, hoping that you can't figure out who Anonymous is. Then leaves for work abruptly.

Physical Manifestations of Too Much Stress

It is funny that my tag line is "It's a nice place to visit!" and then the most recent blog is titled "darkness". That is exactly the place that I always wanted to go!


My allergies are acting up. My skin is breaking out. My stomach doesn't feel right. I slept like crap last night.

Darkness

I am in a dark place. I don't want to write the specifics on a public forum but just saying that gives me some relief. I am having to make decisions that I only prayed that I would never be faced with.

Today's Gain From Meditation: "You are exactly the person that you are supposed to be"

Inner Peace in Two Hours

I believe that for most of my life I have been experiencing an existential crisis. I do have blips of contentment and trust in the world, but for the most part, by brain is a spinning top of never-ending worries and thoughts. I know a lot of people who feel this way and some deal with it better than I. I know others who don't seem to feel this way at all. Recently speaking with a friend I said "I need to come up with a way to quiet my mind" and he responded, "If my mind were any MORE quiet, I would be asleep."

This is becoming more and more of a problem in recent years: as a younger person, I was always able to run away from my demons, if only partially successfully, by staying busy and never allowing myself be in the presence. I could also trick myself that all this would resolve itself if and when: "when I graduate", "when I get a real job", "when we have more money", "when I have more time.

Now I feel more THIS IS IT and less on a path to something more. I have a career (although debatable), I have a family, we make more money now than we have ever in the past...AND STILL...all the same feelings and worries and thoughts swirl around me. I can temporally alieve these feelings with a beer or a xanax but I need to come up with a more inner-directed method. I am masking the issues, and not dealing with them. Which tends to be my specialty.

Lately, I feel like I am being pointed in a direction where I need to take charge of this destiny. That it isn't going to happen on its own. I must come up with a way. I have been struggling and running for all these years and nothing has changed. I want to be more present and mindful and relaxed -- with myself, my husband, my daughter, and with life.

In the past, I have found meditation and yoga helpful. The problem is that I feel I need more direction and more motivation to not let the practice lapse.

So today Larry and I went to a workshop at a Buddhist Temple about an introdution to their teaching and to meditation. I am really glad that we went. We learned about posture and what to do (or not to do) with our minds during meditation. We then practiced meditation for twenty minutes. I think that I was probably able to stop thinking for, maybe, two seconds at a time. But I recently have been asking/begging to the higher power, whomever that may be, "please help. I am yours, just show me the way". The first response I received was "Stop trying to control everything over which you need to learn that you have no control". Today's response was more profound (for me): "You don't trust this world". If I were one to cry, tears would have been brought to my eyes. I then asked, "But how do I learn to trust the world?". No response. Maybe next time. Or maybe I need to trust a little so that I can learn to trust a lot.

I have read about various types of meditation and what I especially liked about this teaching, is that you can't do it wrong. Sure, there are better ways but those come with practice. Just sitting silently is a start. 30 seconds if you can, 30 minutes if you can do that. I need a casual pace to start or I will just get overwhelmed.

So, no, I did not achieve inner peace in two hours. But maybe it is a start.

A few things to remember about me:

1) I so totally am not the new-agey type that really believes in this stuff. But, hey, that hasn't been working.
2) I am currently reading Eat, Love, Pray and this may be a big motivating factor for many things: my current craving for Italian food, my seeking spiritual enlightenment, and my craving for Thai food -- specifically sweet rice with coconut ice cream (Note -- the author actually is in India, but I don't like Indian food, so I imagine Thai food. Mmmm.)

Another Day in the Land of Odessa

Well, now I am worried that our never-ending cold has turned into something else. Odessa has been running a fever since yesterday at 4 p.m. ish. From when I have checked, it has gotten up to 101.6. Tylenol has been helping. I am going to call the pediatrician in the morning.

We have plans to fly out to California this weekend so I am hoping that it nothing serious and that she will be all better by then. I had thought that the never ending runny nose was to do with teething as she is getting some serious teeth in there but who knows.

In other news, I have spend most of my weekend going through a study protocol and reading all about "Transtheoretical Model of Change". I have a job interview tomorrow -- no today -- it is 530 am! It has been fun because I feel kind of like a student again and have been using my brain in another way.

And, yesterday morning I carelessly tinted my eyebrows and now they are too dark (think Groucho Marx) and I have a smear of brown dye on my forehead. Geez. Luckily I have been scrubbing with nail polish remover (which I am sure is GREAT for one's skin) and it has faded considerably.

We are on a budget. I am trying really hard but it is REALLY hard. I just need to start fresh tomorrow and re-evaluate my plan so that I can gain motivation and perspective.

Hey, sometimes this adult life just sucks, huh?

Found on Ebay: Very Sexy Shoes

ALDO Womens Black Fabric Wedges Shoes 38 EUR 7 US SEXY!

Really? They are? Well then, my orthopedic clogs must be on fire!

Currently Reading

The Female Brain by Louann Md Brizendine

Blogger.com Frustration II

Now all the lists and photos and things that use to be on the left hand side of my blog are at the bottom -- after all the posts! When I go into edit the layout, it doesn't appear as though anything has changed.

Happy 35th Anniversary to My Parents

35 years living with same person -- all the struggles, all the ups and downs. 33 years of raising children. No wonder they are nuts. Congrats to them for sticking it out and never letting go of either side of the rope.

Light at the end of the tunnel

I think we may have turned a corner with Odessa's sleep...



First of all, it just is getting better and better the closer that she gets to two. The first year was by far the most difficult.



A couple months ago, anyone putting Odessa down to sleep (other than me) would have to endure crying -- and a lot of it. I would have to be really over my limit before I could let that happen. And the majority of times, my maternal instinct got the better of me and I went in to snuggle her into sleep peacefully.



Up until two nights ago, here was the ritual: snack, diaper and pajamas, read stories and then nana-milk. After ten minutes or so of nursing, I detach myself and she will fuss a little, work on getting comfy and fall asleep. During that 30-60 minutes of waiting for her to fall asleep, I would lie there frustrated that this is my opportunity for me time and it won't happen.*



After an hour passes and she finally is asleep, I can sneak out but at that point it is getting late for me and I am frustrated that I could have been reading or writing an hour ago. Plus most nights I take benedryl to help me fall asleep and it takes at-least one hour to kick in. So if I took it before putting O to bed, then I would be too sleepy to get up and get any me time. And if I wait till she is asleep, I am likely not to fall asleep until really late at night.**



After that very long introduction, here is the point: Now after the bedtime routine which includes nana-milk for ten minutes or so, Odessa is able to snuggle up to Larry and fall fast asleep. A few whimpers but nothing more than I would get by being there too. We have done that the last two nights and it is a miracle for me!!! I can get up and do some of the things that I have been wanting to. Sigh of relief.

AND THEN, this afternoon Odessa was able to fall asleep with Larry for her afternoon nap. That has never happened before this easily. It would usually require tears and rocking. Now she just snuggles up and enters dream-land (and without mama-milk first). ***

I really think this is about her being developmentally ready for that stage. This would not have worked even a couple months ago.



*If you are wondering why can't I get out of bed while she is still awake. The answer is I don't know, I have tried, and it involved a lot of sobbing on her part and mine. She just doesn't want to be alone while falling asleep. We have had a family bed for her whole life, just lying in bed and going to sleep while others are not with her is just foreign. [It is possible at some point in the near future, this is something that I am going to work on. But for now I am going to trust my gut that she is just not ready for that leap yet. Who knows what the next few months will bring.]



**Which would mean that I would miss quite a few solid hours of sleep which is pretty necessary as O will wake me up between 1 and 5 times a night. Secondly, I am not a night-owl, even before baby I would in bed at 9 p.m.



***Now for my pessimism -- napping with baby in the afternoon is my favorite thing and today I am missing it. But on the bright side, it is good to know that I have the option.

Blogger.com Frustration

I am not all that super-savy when it comes to publishing a blog. I mean I have all the basics down, and when I want to try something 'fancy' (and actually have the energy to do so) I can usually figure it out.

But here is the problem, I write my posts and they look great. Then I publish them and the blank lines in between the paragraphs dissapear...but not all of them. I have even edited in html and sometimes that works but it is inconsistent. What am I doing wrong? Or is blogger playing Jedi mind tricks on me?

If anyone knows of what I am doing wrong, please let me know...

Oh man...this is so real "LIFE"

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/area_man_makes_it_through_day

Odessa, 21 Months

Oh baby. I love you so much. It isn't until you are a parent that you can understand the depths of love that one can have for their children.

Life with you is getting to be really fun! The newborn phase, with your endless crying, was tormenting. As an infant, I realized how my personality doesn't match well with the needs of a young baby. I need alone time. I write and read. This is how I maintain any semblance of a emotional equilibrium. But now you enjoy a little more independence, which gives me some of the time that I "need". You also love to be on the go! I can tell that you get bored at home by mid-morning. So every day that we are home we go out and play and have fun together. Sometimes we get out just to run errands -- grocery store, bank etc. Other days we enjoy peaceful time at the library and the park. And some days I have a lot of energy and we will go to the Children's Museum or the community center indoor gym -- Odessa-centric places like that.

You are VERY sociable. You love to go around restaurants and say "Hi" to everyone at their tables. Much to the chagrin of the staff. At school, they call you their "greeter" because you will stand at the gated doorway and greet everyone who goes by. When you see other kids playing, you don't hesitate to go right over and join in. I have to watch you carefully, because you will follow kids anywhere. At a Le Leche League meeting the other day, you went around to each of the moms to sit on their laps -- and they were complete strangers. I am so happy that you are so confident and comfortable around people. I hope that trait continues.

You have been teething for what seems like forever. But these past two months all that effort paid off and you have gotten approximately 6 molars. I say "approximately" because it is really hard to get a good look in your mouth without getting bitten. BUT, a couple of weeks ago we had a couple really rough nights where we only got a few hours of shut-eye. That was tough but it all seems to be going better now (knock on wood).

Schedule. Schmedule. It used to be so random and now your patterns are quite consistent. Which is good for me because I need routines. You are an early riser. I am really not sure how to change that. So we get up at 5:30 most mornings. Your nap time is around 12 p.m. depending on how busy we are. If I nap with you (and I usually do, one of my all-time favorite parts of the day) you will often sleep for 2-3 hours. It is such a nice reprieve in the middle of the day. You go to bed around 9:30 p.m. I am trying to make that earlier in the evening but I am not very good at it. 1) I wonder if you go to bed at 7:30 or 8:00 if you will still wake up at 5:30 a.m. Maybe you would and that would be good for you and you need more sleep. Or maybe not. 2) It is hard for me to want to stop all the evening activities to start our bedtime routine. We are generally hanging out with Daddy or Grandma or Auntie Kiki. 3) By the time our bedtime routine is over and I nurse you before sleep, I am ready to go to bed but 7:30 just is too early for me. So I tend to keep you up until I am more ready for sleep.

*After a couple nights of sleep experimentation, I came to the conclusion that you will not be ready for sleep at any point before 8:00 p.m. I think that you need about 10 hours a night (8 ish till 6 ish in the morning). So if we are reading bedtime stories at 7:45 p.m., then we are doing really well. And if you fall asleep rather quickly, I can still have 1-2 hours of "me" time. Sadly, "me" time = laundry and catching up on emails. But I am the neurotic one so that is my problem, not yours.

You say SO many words now! I don't even think I can list them all if I wanted to. You are quite confident about shouting "no!" and "help please". Recently we discovered that you can say "butterfly". You just talk all the time and it is so nice to be able to communicate with my little dictator. And you understand even more! When we get home, you will often run through the front door and then spin around quickly trying to escape again ("wait...I just remembered -- I don't want to be home"). Sometimes I am not quick enough and then I have to either chase after you or bribe you to come back in. The other day the I said "come in for cookie!" and you spun right back around again! Already I am black-mailing my child for dessert.

Another funny thing that involves dessert is that whenever we say "Kiki" (as in Auntie Kiki) you look towards the kitchen and ask "cookie?". V. cute.

I didn't really have a plan, but I always imagined that you would likely self-wean. But something changed in the past couple of months. I don't even want to us to wean, just to nurse less. Some days I am totally fine with your being my Velcro-baby who nurses frequently, but there are some days that I just am irritated by so much nursing. So we are working on nursing less. You don't like it very much and sometimes I feel bad because you do love your "na-nas" so much.

Your hair. I think we are at the point where we should address your hair. For awhile there I was concerned that a "good hair day" for you meant that it didn't look like you had been recently electrocuted. But now your "wisps" have developed into very cute ringlets! Grandma bought you a special shampoo for babies with curly hair and it seems to be helping quite a bit. I also now know that I need to wet your hair and comb it out each morning to get your ringlets back into shape.

I have been thinking a lot about your birth recently. I think it is because I am starting to think about giving you a sibling. Or not. Its a tough decision and one that we will cover at a later juncture. For you, we had planned an all-natural, water birth. Apparently, this plan was in contradiction to your own plan for exiting the womb or you are terrible at reading maps. Being the dramatic girl that you are (or just a terrible map-reader), you decided to attempt to get out sunny-side up and "brow presentation" which means that you had your neck tilted backwards. Well, guess what, that didn't work for my pelvis. We ended up in the hospital with a c-section. I was just so happy to have a beautiful, healthy baby that I didn't really figure out what had "gone wrong". But now considering being pregnant again, I wanted to know what happened and if I wimped out or really needed the c-section. After reading my medical records and research on the Internet, it is pretty clear that a baby can almost certainly not be born in the position in which you chose.

Of course, there is always room for doubt and so I am still thinking about "why" you ended up in that position -- what could I have done to change prevent/change that? You know what, I guess that I will never know. But I do know this: however in life your plans may contradict mine, I love you very, very much.

Hazards of Nursing in Public

Saturday Evening Picnic

This weekend the weather could not have been any more beautiful! And I am happy to say that we took full advantage of it. We went to the Saturday Market and then had our dinner at the park, picnic style. Odessa LOVES collecting all the flowers (dandelions) and bringing them to mom and dad.

On Sunday we ate breakfast at one of our favorite breakfast places and then we went to over to a friends for a bbq dinner.

Very good weekend.

Wednesday Evening

Tonight was one of those nights. Set up: It was a long day so we are all tired.

I attempted to put Odessa to bed twice. The first time at 7:30 p.m. (early for us but she was acting tired). After a couple minutes of snuggling and na-nas, Odessa got up and was jumping/dancing on the bed. Then she climbed off the bed and left the room. It is so strange to have a young, helpless (seemingly) infant one minute and what seems like the next minute, that same helpless infant is deciding by herself to get off the bed and leave the bedroom in search of cookies.

Attempt number two was at 8:30 p.m. and I was SURE that she was good and tired. In the dark room, I can sense that she is moving about. I turn on the light, and yep, she had gotten off the bed again and was carrying around my tennis shoe. I do not know how she sees in the dark like that. Possibility #1) better eyesight than moi; Possibility #2) she has cat DNA.

I am always torn between being the stern mom and bringing her back to bed or just letting her play until she is truly ready to sleep. I usually just start reading and listen for loud crashes coming from the living room. But, then I am lying there in bed reading about how we have a public health crisis: a generation of "sleep-deprived" children. That thought spins into my envisioning Odessa's poor, sleep-deprived future. The true public health crisis? Sleep deprived mamas.

The end of the story? Larry puts Odessa on his chest and she falls asleep immediately while I am up with insomnia worrying about her sleep-deprivation. Big sigh.