Chlamydia

True Story:

It all started when I managed to lose my birth control pills (see last post). In all the years of my birth control usage, I have never done that. So day two with no pills, I decide to call my primary care practitioner and leave a message asking that she phone a prescription in for me.

That morning while I was at the Children's Museum (CM), her medical assistant left a message for me to call her back basically saying that they would go ahead and phone that prescription in but she also needed to talk to me about one other thing.

I figured that one other thing was scheduling my annual exam -- when was the last one? Boy was I wrong.

So I get to Starbucks after the CM with my friend and our two babes. I finally reach the medical assistant and here is the conversation:

Her: "Your chlamydia test came back positive"
Me: "What?! But I have been married (and faithful) for eight years"

Her: "Then you should probably talk to your husband"

Me: Oh my God, okay"

Me to friend at Starbucks: "They say that I have chlamydia! What is chlamydia? What does that mean? How could I have gotten chlamydia? Larry cheated on me! That bastard!"

I call the medical assistant back to ask a couple more questions that I thought of after the shock of the news wore off. I leave message.

Back at home, I Google "Chlamydia": Women are routinely tested for chlamydia in pregnancy as they can pass it to their unborn babies. Larry gave me AND my baby chlamydia! Double-bastard!

I begin searching through my medical records. I find that I tested negative for chlamydia in pregnancy. That means he cheated on me sometime while I was pregnant OR had a newborn baby. Triple-bastard!

Medical Assistant returns my call.

Me: "How long could this have been dormant for?" (ie Is there any reason that I should not castrate my husband as soon as walks in the door this evening?)

Her: "It is possible that it was dormant for that long but very, very unlikely" (ie Go ahead with castration plans)

Me: "When was I tested for this? I can't even remember when my last annual exam was"

Her: "Hold on a sec while I check your medical record again"

On hold. Me panicking: I am going to be a single mother. What about the finances? What about our trip planned to Mt Hood? How do I tell Odessa about this when she is older? Who will get the cat? Who wants the cat? Should I throw all of Larry's belongings into the front yard?

Her: "Okay, take a deep breath"

Me: "What the hell are you going to tell me now, I have HIV?"

Her: "We got your medical records mixed up with another Megan and you are not the one who tested for chlamydia. We are so sorry about all of this"

One hour and two xanax later...

Me (to Larry): "Well, I almost divorced you today..."