It's three a.m. and I am awake again...

I am feeling very positive (although scared and nervous) about some changes coming up in my life. Fear holds me back. In fact it paralyzes me. But not with everything. A couple examples would be 1) leaving baby O with anyone other than my mom or her daddy 2) GRE -- I am so scared of that damn test and I need to figure it out in baby steps. Even if I never go to graduate school, I don't want that fear to hold me back 3) new places and new things: it takes me a lot of talking myself into it before I can go -- I have recently starting getting better at that as I am pushing myself way beyond my comfort level and I come out on the other side unscathed 4) finances -- the mere thought of money and I start panicking. Maybe I have PTSD? But from what? That one time my allowance was taken away? When a commercial comes one for debt reduction or banking or buying cars I switch the channel immediately. I know, not healthy, but I am working on it.

1) Odessa and Playschool: I have been thinking of starting Odessa at play-school part time (that really just means daycare but I think that “play-school" sounds better and that is what they call it in many other countries. So, in this instance alone I am European. That and when I don a fake English accent.

My fear of her potential sadness has held me back considerably. I never thought I would be one of those moms and here I am, a classic example. Here is the only way I can explain it: when you feel that your child could be sad or hurt or scared or confused, it just feels like someone is ripping your heart out with their bare hands.

Well, my jump into the pool of daycare, ahem play-school, was prompted by one of my mom and I's continual arguments. And when I do anything or say anything that she doesn't like, she refuses to watch O while I go to work. It is just not good to mix work and family like that. And this is probably the sixth time it has happened in a year or so.

Bottom line, it is just not a good dynamic. Reasons for my mom not to watch O while I work: 1) not good for the family dynamics of mom and her adult daughter (me), and myself and my young child. 2) my moms health is not up to par and it would be better for her to not have to take so much responsibility for O's welfare. 3) now when Larry and I want occasional date night (which we have found is very helpful for our marriage), I would feel less guilty about asking mom and she would likely be more enthused as she hasn't already had baby for two almost-full days.

So, yesterday I took Odessa to her first day of school (after taking two xanax for the feeling that my heart was going to beat out of my chest)! I hung out there with her for about an hour showing her the toys and books and other fun stuff. Then it was lunch time so I helped Odessa get comfortable in her seat, gave her a kiss, and said "mama is going to go for a little while and I will be back soon". She watched me leave but was really more interested in the food and all the little kids sitting at the table along with her.

I told all the teachers and the supervisor to call me for ANY reason at all. I will be just a few minutes away. From there I was trying to kill some time to give Odessa an adequate opportunity to experience a few hours of play-school. So I went to Starbucks and some baby re-sale shops and then finally to Target. I thought the three hours was NEVER going to end. I checked my phone constantly and even bought a car charger in case by some freak accident I lose what’s left of my battery before I get back to my baby. Side note: Another side effect of anxiety and xanax: shopping. Its not like I went crazy but I definitely bought more that I "should" have. I got some very cute clothes for O for this Spring and Summer, a couple new books, and a second car seat. Larry and I have been wanting to get a second car seat for a long time and it will be imperative if Larry is going to be able to drop off/pick up O sometimes.

So, I finally return to the play-school. After they eat lunch, it is story time, and then nap time. When I peaked into the room she was totally asleep on the little mat right next to another little girl’s mat. I couldn't believe it!

So I filled out a bunch of paperwork there and looked through their handbook because I was not going to wake her up. The next time I peaked in, all the kids are sitting at their cute, toddler-size tables with their afternoon snacks in front of them. Odessa is laughing and gabbing with a little girl next to her! I came in and she seemed happy to see me, although not ecstatic. We walked over to the chair in the corner for a one-minute na-na session and then she wanted me to read some books. So I did, and the other toddlers swarmed over to hear as well and put in their opinions on the book selection. Soon, Odessa climbed off my lap and went to play with some other toys. SO there I am reading to a bunch of kids who are not my own. "Time to go bye-bye Odessa" -- she begins running in the opposite direction -- she actually wanted to stay! (I hope that this is a sign that she is "well-attached" and secure and knows that I will always come back for her.) We waved "bye-bye" to all the little kids and we were off. It went better than I would have ever dreamed.

What a relief. And what a sense of freedom: I can go to the gym once in a while, or run a few errands without O, or whatever. Just knowing that you can't do those things is an awful feeling.

Tomorrow she goes again for four hours while I go to work. My phone will be glued to my hip. And maybe there will be tears at some point -- tomorrow or down the road, but at this point I feel so much more confident to handle any emotional challenges that come my way. I really do believe that this change is going to be good for all of us: my marriage, our family unit, Odessa, Grandma, me -- I now know that I can pursue some of my goals. It is possible. Some moms love to stay at home with their kids all the time -- I am not one of those moms. I have career, educational and personal growth aspirations and I don't want to think that I have to "shelve them" because I had a baby. It is just a matter of finding a balance that works for your family.